


What Did I Do?

by raelee514



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst, Jimmy POV, M/M, PWP - With Angst, Will at some point change the title again., this was supposed to be two chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-15 23:38:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11241645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raelee514/pseuds/raelee514
Summary: “It’s hot in here,” Jimmy said.“A bit, yeah.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Previously called Wine. Now called What Did I Do? Cause what did Jimmy and I just do?!

Jimmy knocked on Thomas’ door but didn’t wait before he opened it and let himself in. Like him, Thomas stripped down a vest and pants for the night. He eyed Jimmy warily, which was the usual greeting. Jimmy shook his head at him and lifted the bottle of cheap wine he was carrying. 

“What’s that?”

“Wine isn’t,” Jimmy laughed and he closed the door behind him. 

“Bored are you?” Thomas replied. 

“Sharp you are, Mr. Barrow,” Jimmy walked up to the bed but didn’t sit on it, instead he sat down on the floor and cocked his head to his left. Thomas stared at him like he was daft. 

“I’m not sitting on the floor.”

“Oh, don’t be stuffy.”

Thomas stared down at him. 

He rolled his eyes and opened the wine. He took a generous swig of it and lifted up his hand for Thomas to take it. Thomas reached for it and took his own generous swig. His screwed up at the taste though and he glared at the bottle as if it offended him. 

“Where did you get this stuff?”

“I can’t afford the good stuff.”

“Might if you didn't gamble everything you earn away.”

“I win more than I lose.”

Thomas sighed.

“You gonna sit or what, Thomas?” he patted the floor with his left hand. “Come on.”

“Jimmy.”

“Craning my neck looking up at you. You’re tall you know.”

“I’m not….”

“Thomas, come on, please…”

Thomas expression shifted into something fond and he shook his head slightly but then he was on the floor on Jimmy left. “This is gonna hurt me tomorrow.” 

“Don’t be daft.”

“You’re not old, you don’t know.”

“You aren’t old. Carson’s old.”

“Well put that way…”

Jimmy grinned at and held out his hand for the wine. Thomas handed it right to him and he took another swig before handing it back. Thomas stared at it and then sighed. “Suppose the more you drink it the more you don’t care about the taste.”

“That’s the spirit.”

Thomas tipped his head back and took a long gulp. His face grimacing comically at the taste. Jimmy nudged him with his shoulder and grabbed the bottle. “I need to teach you about wine,” he muttered. 

“Know what I need to know,” Jimmy grinned.

“Nothing, you know nothing.”

“I know something.”

“About wine?”

“You, you,” Jimmy pointed the bottle at him. “Are a snob.”

“Am not,” Thomas argued. “But wine isn’t about what bottle you can afford. There are certain standards to have, Jimmy.”

“Aristocrat.”

Thomas glared at him appalled. 

Jimmy burst into laughter. 

Thomas grabbed the bottle. “Let me drink more of this godawful stuff.”

“I don’t want to do all the same things again tomorrow.” 

“They’ve got company tomorrow, you will doing more than your usual.”

“What? When that happen?”

“When you weren’t paying attention and badly polishing the silver.”

“Was not?”

Thomas grinned at him. 

“I’m bloody good at this stupid job.”

“There is room for improvement.”

“Well, not all of us are you, making it look easy as breathing.” 

“Far from easy,” Thomas muttered. 

“Yeah, but Carson only gives you shit about your attitude never your work.” 

“Same thing to him.”

“Could be less of arse.” 

Thomas shook his head, drank more wine and handed it back Jimmy. They sat in silence for awhile, just drinking. Jimmy closed his eyes and wondered at how comfortable the silence and how he no real drive to break it. He looked over at Thomas and caught him looking. 

He was looking right at him like he was something beautiful. Jimmy felt himself blush but he expected Thomas to tear his eyes away from him like he always did. But Thomas kept staring at him and Jimmy's cheeks continued to flame. His own eyes started taking in more of Thomas’ face. His eyelashes and the freckles on his cheeks — which were pink but Jimmy was sure his own cheeks were red. Jimmy cleared his throat and averted his eyes. His heart felt like it was pounding in his throat and grabbed the wine out of Thomas’ hands and took another gulp. 

Besides him Thomas shifted away from him and Jimmy found himself shaking his head and he shifted them closer again. His arm pressing into Thomas’s and he held out the bottle. Thomas took it and they looked at each other. His expression was guarded though and Jimmy felt disappointed as he watched Thomas swallow another mouthful of it. His lips around the mouth of the bottle, head tipped back, his throat moving as he swallowed. 

“It’s hot in here,” Jimmy said.

“A bit, yeah.” 

Jimmy took another swallow of wine and handed it to Thomas. His fingers glided over Jimmy’s as the bottle passed between them and Jimmy felt like a spark traveled up his arm. He looked at his fingers and his arm surprised not see some sort imprint from his touch. 

“We’re done,” Thomas said from next to him and put the bottle on his nightstand. 

“Oh, come on…” Jimmy whined and grabbed his eyes. “One more?”

“No,” Thomas laughed and his grin hit his eyes. 

Jimmy startled at it, the light in his eyes and the dimples on his face. He liked it when Thomas really smiled and it surprised him every time he saw it. Funny how it was always when they were alone. 

“What?” Thomas asked.

“Huh?” Jimmy grinned.

“I cut you off just in time.” 

“Fussy.” Jimmy slapped his hand against Thomas' leg. 

Silence fell and Jimmy felt himself slumping a bit where he sat but a glance told him Thomas was as well and he nudged his weight against Thomas' arm and Thomas pushed back with a smile on his face. Jimmy stared at it again and thought more people should get to see it but that made him frown. 

“I’m not bored,” he announced. 

“No?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Why aren’t I bored?” he looked at Thomas.

“The wine I would think.”

“No, it’s not that,” Jimmy leaned into Thomas. “It’s something else.” 

“What’s that.”

“Don’t know.” 

Thomas laughed and Jimmy turned to watch it. They were staring again he realized and Jimmy held his breath and ignored the flaming in cheeks. Though Thomas’ expression was intense, his face seemed so close, too close almost and Jimmy thought he should look away and wondered why Thomas wasn’t… 

“Jimmy,” Thomas coughed his name and looked away. “It is getting late.” 

“You want me to go?” Jimmy asked surprised. 

“No,” Thomas said quickly but then he shook his head. “I mean, it’s getting late is all.”

“Not so late,” Jimmy said. 

“You are in a strange mood.”

“Not alone in that I think,” Jimmy said catching Thomas glancing at him. 

“No,” Thomas said.

“I mean I never sit still like this and like it.” 

Thomas laughed. 

“I mean it, I just like to be moving.” 

“I know.” 

Thomas started to move and realizing he was going to stand Jimmy grabbed his right hand in his left and pulled. “Where are you going?”

“To get me cigarettes.” 

“No,” Jimmy tugged. 

Thomas settled back onto the floor his back to the bed and his side more pressed into Jimmy’s than before. “Why not?”

“Not in the mood for a smoke.”

“You might not be.”

“Just want you to stay here,” Jimmy said and their gazes locked. He watched Thomas’ cheeks flame red and he knew his cheeks were as well but he couldn’t turn away. But Thomas did, he tore his eyes away from Jimmy’s and settled himself more comfortably, but he kept their arms touching. 

“I like this,” Jimmy pressed into Thomas more. “Knowing I don’t have to talk. Is different.”

Thomas chuckled and Jimmy glanced over to see him smiling. 

“Is that weird?”

“Don’t think so.” 

“You…” Jimmy said and he nudged him. “Different.” 

Thomas' eyes bored into him but a sad smirk that Jimmy knew well formed on his face. Jimmy shook his head and wished he could take that back. “I don’t mean…” 

Thomas looked confused. 

“I just mean… I’m different, I don’t know.” 

“You don’t know many things,” Thomas laughed. 

Jimmy joined him and his hand moving to slap against Thomas’ leg. Only they moved too much and instead of his leg, Jimmy’s hand fell on his upper thigh and he felt Thomas’ cock under his palm. He felt it twitched underneath his touch. Thomas was hard. 

Jimmy looked quickly from where his hand to Thomas' face, in time to hear and see him gasp and their eyes met for a second before Thomas turned his whole face away from Jimmy. But Jimmy was caught in the moment, he was caught up by the feel of Thomas’ under his hand. Suddenly Thomas’ hand was grabbing Jimmy’s. He knew it was to move it and he fought the action, kept his hand in place and leaned into Thomas. He stared at his profile because Thomas wouldn’t look at him. He started moving his hand against the length of him. Jimmy could feel every inch of him. He lost any sense of time, he was focused on the feel Thomas’ cock and his own hand. His eyes were focused on Thomas’ profile. It was all there was. 

“Jimmy…” Thomas' voice was a broken whimper. “What are…”

“I don’t know.” Jimmy shook his head but he didn’t stop. 

“I…” Thomas turned toward him and his eyes widened at the sight of Jimmy staring at him and his face was pink. 

“Was me who put you in this mess…” Jimmy whispered.

“I shouldn’t…you shouldn’t…”

“Shh…” Jimmy whispered and he moved putting their faces closer together, their foreheads nearly touching. He was looking right into Thomas’ eyes and he kept up the lazy stroke up and down his length. Thomas' eyes turned into another trap because they were dark and stormy gray and he wondered idly why he'd never noticed it before. Then he did press his forehead against Thomas and his thumb over the head of his cock. 

Thomas swore at the touch but he held Jimmy’s stare. Then his hips started to move, pushing himself more against Jimmy’s hand. Into it. Jimmy watched his face as he continued to stroke him. Thomas licked his lips, his eyes dipped down to Jimmy’s mouth and something shifted in his expression. It was Thomas who pressed them closer and Jimmy let out a gasp seconds before Thomas kissed him. 

He leaned into the kiss. He kissed him back and Thomas made a noise that made Jimmy realize he was hard too, pressing against his own pants. Thomas' tongue slipped inside his mouth and his hands went to the back of Jimmy’s neck. They kissed and Jimmy stroked him until Thomas pushed into him, against him and Jimmy back hit the floor abruptly. But that wasn’t why he lost his breath. 

Thomas leaned over him and he looked undone. His hair over his eyes, red cheeks and lips, his mouth parted and his tongue licked across his bottom lip. Jimmy stared up at him and he felt something crack wide open inside of him. His hands reached up and he reached for the hem of Thomas’ vest and he yanked. Thomas helped him and the garment was tossed to the side and Thomas was pulling on Jimmy. Jimmy moved and shifted so they could get his over his head. The second it was gone, Thomas was pressing him to the floor, his mouth of his, his tongue licking inside of his mouth. 

“Oh…” he breathed out as Thomas' mouth fell to his throat, peppering with wet kissed. Jimmy’s hands went into his hair, his hips rolled and he felt himself pressing against Thomas’ thigh. 

“Jimmy…Jimmy.” Thomas' mouth left his as he leaned upward but Jimmy followed him and caught his mouth with his lips. Thomas returned it messily as he shifted his weight over him. His thigh going between Jimmy’s legs and Jimmy bucked up and moaned at the friction of it. 

“Thomas…” he felt like he was falling. 

“I’ve got you, love…” Thomas kissed it into his mouth. 

Jimmy closed his eyes and kept grabbing onto Thomas shoulders or his head, keeping him down against them, the lengths of their bodies touching and he could feel their cocks, pressed between them. The friction too much and not at all enough. They quickened up their pace and Jimmy found his mouth on Thomas' throat, his jaw and his mouth… 

Until it all got to be too much and he came, letting out an odd strangle noise buried his face against Thomas' shoulder, his skin was warm and Thomas was still above him but then he whispered out Jimmy’s name and nearly collapsed, one hand braced on the floor to stop him from crushing Jimmy. 

He tried to close his eyes but they kept flying open to stare right into Thomas’ gray eyes and he felt dizzy. He reached up and touched his face but his mind was too muddled to say anything. Thomas was staring at him, eyes wide but there was worry flickering on the edges of his expression. 

Jimmy stared at his face and then looked down, seeing their naked chests and feeling their tangled legs. His eyes fell closed then and he felt Thomas fingers stroking the hair near his temple and his breath against his cheek and his eyes opened again and Thomas expression was pure affection and Jimmy realized his heart was pounding. What they did, what he did came flying into his head and he started to move away. He slipped away and Thomas moved with him, his eyes averted but Jimmy caught the worry in the expression that flickered across his face. 

“I just… late isn’t,” he muttered that being his only excuse. And he walked out of the room and straight to his own. He caught his reflection in his mirror, his eyes seemed dark, his cheeks were flushed as was his chest. He touched his lips. They were tingling and a bit swollen. His eyes slid closed and he felt was Thomas’ kisses. He looked down at his pants, he felt the proof of everything against his skin. 

“What did you do?” he whispered and an answer presented itself. “Don’t know…but you bloody well liked it.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. So, Sorry. Some important bits got left out since I didn't post the whole thing cause I'm an idiot and distracted by what they just made me write. *glares at Thomas and JImmy* 
> 
> Part 2 of What Did I Do? (all of it this time)

Jimmy tried to catch Thomas’ eye during breakfast but it was a challenge. Thomas at most would glance at him for a second before averting his eyes. Jimmy couldn’t manage to get him to stay looking at him. Which maybe was for the best because Jimmy wasn’t quite sure what it was he was wanting to convey all it knew was it felt important that Thomas knew that last night hadn’t…. Well, Jimmy was sure if hadn’t was the right word at all. The thing was he wasn’t sure what the hell happened last night, all he knew was he'd liked it. He'd dreamt about it and woke up with evidence of how much he liked it. He reached for the teapot thinking he’d ask Thomas if he wanted tea, forcing him look at him but the bells started ringing and Jimmy scowled as he leaned back in his seat. 

He went about his day and tried to catch Thomas’ eye every time they passed in a hallway. Even when they both stood in their locations around the table during breakfast. The whole morning though he couldn’t seem to nail down anything more than quick glance — and he was beginning to think that Thomas was trying not to look at him. 

Which he took as a truth when he walked outside for a smoke at the same hour he always did and he didn’t find Thomas leaning against the wall smoking his cigarette. He was always there, Thomas was a creature of habits, he was always there. Jimmy frowned and turned right around. He stomped into the servant's hall making Anna and Miss Baxter look up at him strangely. He shrugged and looked around the area. It was obvious Thomas wasn’t there but he had to be somewhere. His eyes fell onto Miss Baxter….

“Seen Thom — Mr. Barrow?”

“Isn’t he outside.”

“If he was outside would I be asking?”

“Don’t be short with her,” Anna scolded. 

“Sorry…” Jimmy mumbled. 

“Might try the nursery,” Anna said a beat later.

“The…” Jimmy nodded as it occurred to him it was a good idea. He turned and headed back up the stairs and sure enough Thomas was on the floor in the nursery reading some book to Miss Sybbie and Master George. Jimmy found himself staying quiet and leaning against the wall by the door in order to just listen and watch. It was some sort of poem or rhyme, Jimmy never heard before — probably something new he thought. Thomas’ voice was sharp and clear and Jimmy liked the cadence of his speech, how he read and he closed his eyes in order to narrow in on it. 

“Jimmy?”

Thomas sounded surprised and Jimmy opened his eyes. Thomas was standing in front of him and the nanny was behind going back to taking care of the kids. 

“What?” Thomas looked away from him.

“Need to talk with you.”

“Oh?” Thomas didn’t look. “Well, this isn’t the place.”

Jimmy looked at the kids and rolled his eyes. “Outside?”

“No time for a smoke…” Thomas said.

“Well…” 

“It’s late, dinner service will be starting soon don’t you have the setting to do?”

“Aren’t you going to supervise?” Jimmy asked.

“You know what’re you're doing, think I’m gonna attend to a few things that fall by the wayside…” Thomas brushed past him and walked away. 

Jimmy stood and tried to figure out what the hell happened. The Nanny looked at him and shook her head. “Thought you knew to stay in that one’s good books.” 

Jimmy glared at her. “That one is my friend.”

“Oh, I quite like Mr. Barrow — but then I see what these little ones get to see,” she tickled Sybbie and George’s stomachs and they burst into giggles. 

Jimmy grinned at the sight and turned around. His mind spinning because now he knew Thomas was avoiding him and the nagging worry that’d been with him all day grew bigger. He had to tell Thomas that it was…. He let out a sigh, he didn’t even know what to say but he knew he had to say something. Anything. He needed Thomas to look at him, if Thomas would just look at him he might be able to figure out what it was that needed to be said.

Dinner service came and went. Jimmy brought down the plates and silver, for washing and polishing. He worked side by side with Alfred, chatting about nothing and bored out of his mind. Why was it nothing with Thomas either made time stand still or spill away too fast and with anyone else it slowed to a crawl that traveled his spine and made him stir crazy. 

He sat down for the servant dinner and looked around. He wasn’t there. “Where’s Mr. Barrow?”

“Said he had a bit of a headache,” Mr. Carson said. “I excused him.”

Headache? That nagging feeling grew heavier in his chest and shifted his seat. He ended up eating quickly and quite thought he might regret it but once he finished enough of his plate he turned toward Mr. Carson. 

“Thought I’d take a plate up to Mr. Barrow?”

Mr. Carson looked at him like he grown another head. “Do you?”

“A bit of food might help his head,” Jimmy pushed. 

“That it might. Very well, have Mrs. Patmore set you up with a tray.” 

He flew to the kitchen and Mrs. Patmore rolled his eyes at him and then yelled at Ivy to make the tray. Which meant he had to listen to her natter on and bat her eyelashes at him because she thought he wanted it. It just made her look naive and young. It was irritating. But he forced himself to stay amicable because he didn’t want her storming off. Finally, she finished up the tray and grabbed it from her and muttered a thank you as he left the room. 

A few minutes later he was knocking on Thomas door. He balanced the tray and turned the knob but realized it was locked. He knocked again. “Thomas?”

“What?” He heard Thomas steps bring him closer to the door. 

“Bought you up some food.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Might help your headache, Mr. Carson said you had one?”

“I don’t have a headache, Jimmy…” Thomas snapped at him through the door. 

“Then why did you skip out on dinner?” 

“Jimmy, just go away.”

“No,” Jimmy argued and he put the tray down on the floor. He knocked again. “Open up.”

“Jimmy, I can’t…”

“Can’t what? Will you let me in… we need to talk.” 

“We don’t _need_ to talk, Jimmy. I quite understand.” 

Jimmy furrowed his brow and let out a long sigh. “Will, you explain that to me then because I don’t.”

Silence. 

“Thomas?” he tried the knob again wishing Thomas would unlock it. 

“I just don’t want to hear it, Jimmy. Leave it be.” 

“Hear it? Hear what?”

The lock clicked and Jimmy felt relief flood him until Thomas’s face appeared, his eyes wide and his expression painful. “I don’t want to hear it, I can’t hear it… leave it be.” 

“But?”

“We’ll go back to normal soon enough,” Thomas added but his voice sounded too far away like he'd locked it into his throat. 

Jimmy felt confused and stared blankly at Thomas and realized he was still avoiding looking him in the eye. He swallowed and realized what he had to do next. “I’m not leaving…”

“Jimmy.”

“Stop interrupting, Thomas. I’m not leaving until you look at me. Good and proper, in the eye.” 

“I…”

“Not leaving until you do, Thomas.” 

Thomas shook his head but the door opened wider and seemed to shuffle a bit closer. Jimmy held his breath, this was the test he thought, was he wrong or right that once he saw Thomas’ eyes he’d figure out what it was he wanted to say. 

“Please,” he sounded desperate to his own ears. 

Thomas’ gaze flew straight to Jimmy face and their eyes locked. Jimmy swallowed over a suddenly dry throat and he watched as Thomas’ cheeks turned pink into a deeper pink. Jimmy’s mind became more wordless than it’d been before. There was only one thought, one thing and it wasn’t talking. He stepped forward, put his hands on Thomas' face and kissed him. He pushed into him and kissed him, licking at his lower lip. 

Thomas instantly kissed him back, his hands grabbed at Jimmy’s hips and pulled him in toward him, Jimmy stepped in with the motion, opening his mouth to Thomas’ tongue. They stopped only when Thomas nearly tripped on his wooden chair, its scrape against the wood under it loud in the room. Thomas shifted his stance and he stepped backward, his hands going up to keep Jimmy at bay. 

“What’re you doing?” Thomas stammered. 

“I don’t know,” Jimmy shook his head. 

Thomas stared at him and his face slid shut, it became pointed and closed off. It looked mean and calculating because it was meant to, it was a mask Thomas perfected. Jimmy hated it because he knew Thomas well enough now to know it was a protective armor. It was the wall he slammed in place between himself and the world. He thought the world hated him. And some of it did, Jimmy realized but he wasn’t included. Thomas brushed past him, grabbed the tray and slammed his door shut. He put the tray down on the floor again and stood up and glared at Jimmy. 

Jimmy met his gaze, hard and furious. Thomas wasn’t going to shut him out. No way. He crossed the room, back toward Thomas, back toward him and wished his thoughts weren’t so far away because his actions weren’t going to help him. 

Thomas stepped back when Jimmy got too close and something snapped inside him. He grinned at it and stepped closer, faster, he crowded Thomas right up to the wall behind him. But Thomas stayed shut down but he wasn’t looking Jimmy in the eye again, so Jimmy reached out and grabbed his chin. Fingers against his jaw and moved his head where he wanted it and he stared right at him and Thomas’ armor shut down but fear flickered in his eyes and Jimmy felt slapped. 

“What are you afraid of?”

Thomas laughed but it wasn’t funny. 

“Thomas..”

“What are you doing?”

“I told you, I don’t really know.” But he his hand was stroking Thomas jaw now. “What I want, I think.” 

Thomas' eyes widened and Jimmy saw something spark behind them before Thomas shut it down again. His hand came up and grabbed Jimmy’s wrist and pulled his hand off his jaw. Jimmy only let him because they were still touching, they were still looking at each other. Thomas wasn’t looking away. 

“You’re…Not.” Thomas shook his head. 

“I am,” Jimmy whispered and leaned up and pressed his mouth to Thomas’ lips before slowly pulling back. “Why have you been avoiding me?” 

“Jimmy,” Thomas whispered it but it sounded like a warning. 

“Thomas,” Jimmy smiled. “Tell me.” 

“Don’t play with me, Jimmy.” 

“Whose playing?”

“I can’t… you can’t. _You_ can’t torment me like this.” 

“Torment?” Jimmy stepped backward. “You think…”

Thomas shoved Jimmy backward and Jimmy fought it but he ended up stumbling back a few steps. “Just stay at arm's length… can’t think not with you so close.” 

“I’m sorry… I don’t mean to torment you,” he said and he meant it despite not being clear on what it meant. 

“I love you.” 

Jimmy felt everything in him startle. His mouth dropped open and he stared at Thomas shocked and surprised he could say it like that, plain as day. Put it right there in the air between them. Hearing it wasn’t at all what Jimmy ever thought it'd be — he knew, he knew Thomas loved him. Everyone did but it wasn’t ever said, it wasn’t stated — much like what sort of man Thomas was was only whispers that no one dared to name.

“I love you,” Thomas repeated. “Look at me. Good and proper.”

Jimmy realized he ducked his head down at the sound of it. He looked up and felt pinned by Thomas' gray stare. He was walking toward him now and Jimmy suddenly noticed every inch of their height difference. Thomas was taller than him and broader shouldered and he loomed in front of him. Jimmy hit Thomas’ bureau, the drawer handles digging into his back but he couldn't move. Not with Thomas right there in front of him looking him directly in the eyes. 

“I love you. So don’t _you_ dare torment me like this.” 

“Thomas…”

“You want this? If you really want this. Say it.” 

Jimmy tried to find words. 

“Say it.”

“I…” Jimmy stammered and he felt spun around. He reached out to touch him, he was so close and Jimmy wanted to touch him. 

“If you can’t speak it,” Thomas sighed and he bent his head down. “If you can’t say it leave now and we’ll never talk about it… we’ll never talk about it, Jimmy.” 

All of it turned around so quickly and so fast, Thomas sounded too broken and Jimmy realized he felt too confused to even begin to understand what he might be doing to Thomas. Maybe he was breaking him and that wasn’t what Jimmy wanted. That was the one thing he knew. 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispered. 

“Then leave,” Thomas whispered but he pressed a soft kiss against Jimmy’s mouth. 

Jimmy nodded and somehow he brushed past Thomas, but every point their bodies touched felt like fire. He walked to the door and turned the knob but paused. 

“Don’t look back,” Thomas' voice was an open wound.

Jimmy closed his eyes, turned the knob and walked into the hallway.


	3. Chapter 3

_“Don’t look back.”_

It was haunting Jimmy. He never heard Thomas’ voice sound like that before. It was the sound of despair and pain and things Jimmy felt he couldn’t understand. His heart kept pounding in his ears, the sound of Thomas was between the beats. It was more the tone than the words. But the words bothered him to because he wanted to look back. He wanted to walk right back into Thomas’ room and he felt impatient with it. But he was stuck where he was because he felt lost because he created a mess, on he didn’t fully understand and how could make it right when he wasn’t fully understanding how wrong it was. 

He would never ever break Thomas, he told himself. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. But a voice was screaming at him that he already had and maybe that had been inevitable. Maybe he never should have given Thomas his friendship because he held too much power over him. Jimmy closed his eyes and felt buried in guilt. Guilt that he was flattered by Thomas’ interest, guilt that he wheedle and cajoled Thomas into things against his judgment simply because he knew he could. Jimmy gritted his teeth and the anger he felt at himself made him wish he could clock himself in the jaw. He was selfish and stupid. But he hadn’t seen this coming, how could have seen this coming? 

He wanted Thomas. 

Wanted him.

Jimmy wanted Thomas’ mouth against his own, he wanted to feel Thomas’ dick in his hand and he wanted Thomas’ hand on his. He wanted them shirtless and rutting against each other again. And probably again. He wanted Thomas and he wasn’t sure when it happened. But it felt right despite how out of nowhere it seemed to come. He’d felt Thomas’ attraction to him and it all just… Flowed. 

Thomas was his friend. Thomas felt like — family to him, now that he had no blood to call that. Thomas and he were… they were the only ones who got the other. He knew Jimmy was smart, he made Jimmy feel smarter than he thought it was — but they’d banter, they’d toss witty cracks over Alfred’s head. They talked about the articles they read in the newspaper — as they usually read it together. A habit formed in the infancy of their friendship. When Jimmy realized the mistakes he made and decided to try to make up for them. 

_You know why?_

Jimmy knew why Thomas followed him that day. Jimmy knew why Thomas was always helpful and at times downright kind to him — when if it was anyone else Thomas would probably scoff and simply write them off. Jimmy knew why.

_I love you._

But hearing it said plainly. Hearing it said plainly with an edge of hurt and accusation behind it. Thomas thought he was throwing it in his face. Thomas thought Jimmy was using it — using him? Jimmy wasn’t sure and it was killing him. The whole thing was killing him. Thomas was in his room, alone and feeling broken. Jimmy felt a fluttering in his chest that made him want to run there, break down the door if he needed too…

But he couldn’t because Thomas was right — he couldn’t talk about it. He couldn’t say anything past the word want. He wanted Thomas but did he deserve Thomas? If he was hurting him by wanting him, by having touched him, by kissing him — if that hurt him, Jimmy had to stop. 

Even if he didn’t want too. He wanted to explore it. He wanted to know where it might lead. His body felt like it needed to see what it might be like but it was all based on uncertainty. On the newness of the feelings. On him wanting and not fully grasping. 

It was foreign to him to want a man. Even if it was Thomas. And it being Thomas did make a hell of a lot of difference. He frowned and grabbed his pillow and punched it. He tried to push the sound of Thomas’s broken voice out of his head but the pain of it followed him into sleep. 

~~~

Thomas wouldn’t look at him again at breakfast. This time after trying for five minutes he gave up and focused on his own food. It didn’t stop him from looking up and across the table. It didn’t stop him catching sight of Thomas lighting a cigarette and then fiddling with its lighter. It was one of his habits, he did it when he was nervous or bored. Jimmy wondered which one it was and hated himself a little bit for wanting it to be because he was nervous. Or upset. Because that wasn’t what he wanted really, he wanted Thomas to be all right, he wanted Thomas to be all right with him. And he’s the one who caused all of this, it was him that… 

God, he touched Thomas. He’d initiated something he didn’t have the vocabulary for. His skin felt hot and he fiddled with his collar, it feeling oddly tight. That night in Thomas’ room was flooding back, complete with the fuzziness of the wine. The whole servant's hall seemed to be covered in something like gauze because it was distant to the memory. Thinking about it downstairs was different than remembering it in his room — where he was alone. Down here, at the table, with Carson sitting at the head of it ramrod straight and the epitome of right and proper. 

What they did, what Jimmy initiated wasn’t right and proper. Or at least it wasn’t called that? No, it was called unnatural and foul and illegal. Jimmy swallowed his toast and grabbed at his tea. His heart was speeding up and he wondered what the hell he was doing? Was Thomas right? He couldn’t… that… It wasn’t something he could even think, all of sudden he was seeing the madness of it all. 

“No one asked for _your_ opinion, Thomas,” Carson’s low voice was blunt and condescending. It hit Jimmy’s ears hard, he was jolted back from where his mind spun too and into the present. Automatically he sought out Thomas’ face, wanting to know how he took another veiled jab from Carson — his mind curious about what he missed. Thomas’s head was ducked down and his jaw was clenched hard and he was tapping his lighter against the table. He was angry and he was hurt. It was the hurt keeping him silent not his anger, Thomas would lash out if hit hard enough. 

Jimmy frowned and looked to his left. Alfred was smirking, he wanted to punch him suddenly but instead, he asked, “What happened?”

“Huh?”

“What was Carson sniping at Mr. Barrow about?”

“He weren’t sniping.”

Jimmy rolled his eyes. “What was it?” 

“Don’t really know.” Alfred shrugged.

“Why are you smiling about it then?”

“Don’t know, don’t mind Mr. Barrow being knocked down a peg or two.”

 _He’s always on the bloody bottom peg._ Jimmy thought instantly and he glanced over at Thomas again and caught Thomas looking at him. He instantly turned away when he saw Jimmy looking but it was too late. Jimmy had seen his eyes and they were stormy and filled with emotions Jimmy probably couldn’t guess at, but they’d been close to the way they’d been that night…. 

And he was there again in Thomas room, warm and happy. Full of a feeling he couldn’t express but he knew it was important. He liked Thomas’ shoulder against his own. He’d love Thomas body above his own — it felt right, it felt too right, maybe. He was spun around hadn’t he just been worrying about it being illegal? 

He felt relief when the bells started ringing. 

~~~

Jimmy didn’t know how to feel when he found Thomas outside when he stepped out for a smoke. It was usual. The other day had been unusual. Today Jimmy thought he may have felt relief if Thomas was missing again — but at the same time finding him there was more of one. He continued lighting his cigarette as he walked closer to Thomas and took his usual spot, right next to him, their shoulder’s brushing. He clenched his jaw when he felt something, some odd sort of energy flow between them at the slight touch. Then he bit the inside of his cheek when Thomas moved, infinitesimally away from him so they weren’t touching. 

Silence fell and smoke swirled. Jimmy kept watching Thomas smoke out of the corner of his eye and kept up smoking his. He was afraid to talk, he didn’t know what to say. He wanted to bring it up but he couldn’t more because he still found he had no words for it all — but also because Thomas said not to… 

_We’ll never talk about it._

It was off the table. This was what was on the table and it felt wrong. Memories of the year he avoided and snarked at Thomas out of misguided fear. Anytime he found himself near Thomas or even just in the same room with had felt awkward and strange. Because there was this large thing between them, there was the kiss and there was Jimmy nearly getting him fired without a reference— which he’d felt guilty about before he’d even finished telling Carson to do it. But he couldn’t blame O’Brien for it, as much as he wished he could. He nearly laughed as it struck him back then he justified his rudeness because it meant Thomas would never touch him again. What a joke it felt like now, after what he did? What he’d started, what he’d enjoyed. 

And that was the thing he enjoyed it and how did he take that back? He glanced at Thomas and saw his eyes were skyward. He wished they were on him and maybe they had been. Maybe they kept missing each other. Did he know, though, Jimmy wondered. Did he understand Jimmy had liked it? Jimmy sighed and realized he’d never know the answer to that. It was unsettling. This was unsettling. Part of him wanted to stub out his cigarette and leave the wall — but he felt like if he left Thomas alone right now it would be a mistake, it was pounding in his chest. He couldn’t risk it, he couldn’t make another mistake on top of a mistake. 

“Nice weather,” Thomas said. His voice sounded strange and he coughed a bit afterward.

Jimmy swung his eyes toward the sky then and saw a clear blue sky. A rarity, really and he nodded. “Nice,” he said and felt like a fool. 

“Like a rainy day, though,” Thomas said after a beat. 

Jimmy shook his head. 

“What don’t like the rain?”

“Dreary ain’t it? Predictable too, always drizzling it is, hate it. Like this better, no clouds, light…. Rare makes it better. Don’t it?”

Thomas looked at him. It was fast and Jimmy felt almost slapped by having Thomas gray eyes looking right at him. Looking him right in the eye and he felt his breath just poof away. He licked his lips because Thomas gaze was intense and it was searching. And Jimmy was afraid there wasn’t enough inside of him for Thomas to spy on — and maybe that was true because Thomas turned away quickly, dropped the stub of his cigarette to the ground and stepped on it. Jimmy realized a bit too late he was also stepping away from the wall. 

“Wait?” he shouted.

Thomas paused and slowly turned back. 

“Uh… cards!” Jimmy felt like an idiot. “Play later, huh? Just us, no Alfred to slow up the fun.”

Thomas quiet for a long beat and Jimmy was seconds away from adding a please when he nodded. “Maybe.”

Jimmy nodded because that was better than a no. He watched Thomas walk inside and let his head fall back against the brick behind him. He realized his heart was pounding and he felt sweaty. Everything felt too tense and charged. He couldn’t help wondering if Thomas was wrong to think they could possibly go back to how it was before.


	4. Chapter 4

The truth Jimmy was learning was a muggy thing. It wasn’t clear cut like he’d been raised to believe. Things weren’t just a truth or a lie. The world wasn’t just this or that. Nothing was simple, everything was bendable and Jimmy was learning that more and more every day. Maybe it was Thomas’ gift to him. Like for instance, he knew the staff to think Thomas an easy liar, someone who will lie if it suits him and it suits him often. Whereas Jimmy knew him to be the most honest person in the house. He said what no one else dared to say, he spoke plainly and truly. Jimmy only heard him lie a handful of times and not one of them was about putting himself above another. He tended to use the truth when he was plotting, he used to the truth to cajole people in the direction he wanted them in. He rarely lied when it came down to it but no one would believe Jimmy if he told them.

But Thomas did lie and the biggest lie in the house was the one they were enacting every day for the past month. They were friends again — it was easy and silly and they saved each other from absolute boredom. It was as if nothing ever happened between them that shook that foundation they’d created. The foundation had proven strong. Jimmy believed that much but what he didn’t believe was that everything was exactly as it had been. That was their lie. They’d returned to the original blueprint after what happened between them. Thomas erected a directive that neither one of them would break — but was that true? Jimmy wasn’t sure because the truth was he couldn’t get that night out of his head, he couldn’t get Thomas out of his mind. Everyday Thomas moved in some way that made Jimmy’s stomach flip or heat pool down to places where the world told him it shouldn’t. 

Every night he dreamed of him and he woke up hard and aching. He didn’t know which end was up some days. He'd get lost watching Thomas bring a cigarette to his mouth over and over. Awake and in his sleep and he remembered the storminess of Thomas’ eyes, the exact shade of gray they’d been when Thomas kissed him. 

He wanted him and their little lie meant he was supposed to pretend he didn’t — and Jimmy was getting annoyed with it but he didn’t know how to change it. As much as he wanted too — he didn’t know how to approach it because the more he went over it. The less sure he was about what Thomas needed to hear. 

Jimmy knew his silence that night, his inability to speak about what he wanted plainly had been why Thomas shut everything down before it ever had a shot at happening again. He knew that for Thomas it was more than lust and that mere arousal wasn’t enough — Thomas loved him. And that was the other thing, Jimmy couldn’t get the sound of Thomas declaring his love for him out of his head. His voice, so male and low, his eyes so dark and his stare so deep. 

_I love you._

Plain and simple. Maybe some things were, Jimmy thought because the sound of it was stark to Jimmy and he knew it to be an absolute. It was a fixed thing in the world. Thomas Barrow loved him. And he wasn’t worthy of it and he wasn’t sure if he could ever feel that… If he was even capable of loving someone like Thomas loved him. He wasn’t sure he'd even seen that amount of love in his own parent's eyes when they looked at each other — and he knew they loved each other. 

Anna and Bates, he thought but even their eyes were softer, simpler. It wasn’t a live wire and it wasn’t playing with fire. Though truly, their love was allowed and Thomas’ wasn’t — did that change the intensity of a thing? Was it wrong he wasn’t disgusted by Thomas' clear and wild affections? 

He wasn’t at all — he wondered if he ever had been because he remembers the words coming out of his mouth and him believing them true at the time. Now though all they feel like lies, large and obvious ones. Like him going after Ivy — that was all boredom and maybe fear. And when had he become unafraid of Thomas? Sometime during their friendship, it slid around him and into him and he was no longer afraid of Thomas. Not to the level that he remembered once being. It felt like a lie. Because how could fearing Thomas be true? 

Jimmy leaned back in his chair and shuffled his deck of cards for the last time of the night. They were alone, Alfred finally left, so they’d play one more hand and try to challenge the other and keep things interesting. He shuffled his cards but his eyes were on Thomas’ mouth and how his lips pressed against the cigarette. He couldn’t stop watching him smoke, he kept trying, he’d avert his eyes but every where he looked was a trap. The length of Thomas' neck, because he’d pulled out the starched collar and undone his tie. Or his fingers, some of them half hidden from the glove but they were elegant and long and constantly fiddling with things. His lighter, a fork, the cards in his hands. Jimmy wanted them always moving against his skin. 

The attraction was growing and it wasn’t fading. Was that what Thomas wanted? For it to fade? Maybe Thomas wished his feelings for Jimmy could fade? Jimmy wondered if he was meant to want this attraction to fade? He bristled inside at the thought, no, no, it wasn’t fading and he was fine with that… Except that he wasn’t allowed to act on it and he liked acting, he liked doing things and feeling things under his hands. His eyes closed and he licked his lips, remembering the feeling of Thomas’ cock under the fabric and large against his palm. 

“Jimmy?” Thomas’ voice broke the quiet between them and Jimmy's eyes slid open to watch a stream of smoke float out of Thomas' mouth, he caught a peek of his tongue and he nearly groaned. 

“Yeah…” he started dealing out the cards but his eyes stayed on Thomas’ mouth. 

“You seem distracted?” Thomas asked, his voice cool and controlled. Jimmy eyes flicked to his eyes and saw him staring right at him and as their gazes locked the stare became more intense. Jimmy felt hot underneath it and hated he couldn’t read it. And he could read Thomas, he could read him better than anyone — it pissed him off he was the only one who tried. 

“I am.” Jimmy decided not to lie. 

“I see,” Thomas said and he looked down at his cards. 

Jimmy frowned as the eye contact vanished and he looked at his own cards. He had a crappy hand and he shifted, schooling his face into something smug to try bluff Thomas into thinking he had a better hand. 

“Is it…” Thomas stopped talking the second Jimmy looked back up at him. 

“What?”

“I just…” Thomas put down his cards and adjusted his already loose collar. 

It made Jimmy’s own bowtie feel too tight and he instantly reached up and pulled it loose and putting himself into a similar state as Thomas. He moved up a bit in his chair and sighed. “That’s better.” 

“Yeah,” Thomas breathed and Jimmy caught him looking at his throat and he felt smug, his mouth turned upward at it. 

“Just following your lead,” he quipped and played a card. 

Thomas nodded and chose a card. They played silently then, just breathing and shifting in their chairs, tossing out cards and swearing when they made bad calls. Jimmy won the round, but barely and he pulled all his cards back into his hands he was smiling. 

“I’ll win tomorrow, don’t be so smug.” 

“Only if you play Alfred,” Jimmy grinned at him. 

“You aren’t as good as you think you are…”

“You count the cards. That’s cheating.”

“And just what is it you do?”

“I just know,” Jimmy laughed. 

“Psychic instinct?” Thomas chuckled and he really smiled. Then he grabbed his pack of smokes and shook one out of it. He lit it and had it in his mouth and just like that Jimmy was riveted again. Lost as he stared at Thomas’ mouth. 

“Could be psychic, never know…” Jimmy said and reached across the table and grabbed the cigarettes and stole one. He looked up and caught Thomas’s eyes and held out his hand. Thomas stared at him for a long time before he lifted his left hand, palm out and his lighter sitting on it. Jimmy took it but didn’t look away from Thomas' eyes. He couldn’t, it wasn’t physically possible, not when they were that shade stormy gray. He lit it up and brought it to his mouth and he watched Thomas follow the movement. They both sat there and smoked as quiet settled around them again. 

“What am I thinking?” Thomas’ voice broke the silence again and Jimmy startled at the question. His eyes going from where they’d strayed to Thomas’ throat to Thomas’s eyes. And he was looking at Jimmy’s mouth where he had the cigarette held between his lips.

Jimmy felt his cheeks heat and he found himself looking around the servant’s hall, even though he knew they were quite alone and that it was far too late for anyone else to appear. He swallowed and looked down at the cards. 

“Right,” Thomas’ voice was clipped. “Well, we better get ourselves to our beds.” 

Something in the word choice bothered Jimmy. He looked back up at Thomas to see him standing up and he was about to walk away. Not even waiting for Jimmy. Jimmy huffed and hurried out of his seat, he wasn’t about to be chasing Thomas up the stairs. He fell into stride next to him, their arms brushing each other every few steps or so and his eyes glancing over to him. To his profile and the bent of Thomas’ nose and the hard slope of his cheek bones and the length of his neck. It was everything. He couldn’t stop looking but he wasn’t the only one. 

Thomas looked at him and Jimmy felt the weight of his stare and he wanted to keep his eyes on him. So he leaned closer, he shifted his feet closer and by the time they reached the attic their arms were brushing with every single step they took. Together in unison. They walked down the hall, neither shifting away until they reached Thomas’ door. 

“Well… goodnight, Jimmy,” Thomas said and he sounded too formal. 

“You want to kiss me.” His eyes widened as he said because it was a thought, it was meant to be nothing but a thought. But it was too late to take it back and Jimmy was rather sure he didn’t want too. “You want to kiss me. That’s what you were thinking.” 

“No it wasn’t,” Thomas said and it felt like he moved closer. 

“No?” Jimmy asked confused. 

Thomas leaned forward and his lips touched Jimmy’s ear. “I want you to kiss me.” 

“Oh,” Jimmy breathed and his eyes fell back to Thomas’ mouth, the mouth he’d been thinking about kissing all day — every day — forever it felt like. 

“Goodnight, Jimmy,” Thomas said and he stepped backward, the door opening behind him and then it closed. 

Jimmy sighed and stared at the closed door. He stared at it and willed it to open. He supposed that exchange wasn’t talking about it, but it was talking about something. Was it acknowledgment? It was something and they were both in it, they both felt it. But Thomas wasn’t hearing what he needed? That nagged at Jimmy and he wished he knew what to say because he would say it — maybe even if he shouldn’t say it.

He started to walk toward his room when Thomas’ door opened. He turned back toward and Thomas was leaning out, wearing nothing but his sleep pants and he stared right at Jimmy. Jimmy stared back. 

“Jimmy…” Thomas stepped back into his room but his command was clear. Jimmy followed it.


	5. Chapter 5

Jimmy heard the lock clicked into place behind him. He turned around, only a few steps into the room. Thomas stood there his eyes dark and he stepped closer to Jimmy. He held his breath and felt too afraid to act because if he did the wrong he’d find himself in the hallway alone. Thomas reached out, his fingers going into Jimmy’s hair and pushing it off of his forehead. He leaned in close, eyes falling to Jimmy’s mouth and it made him lick his lips. 

“You drive me mad.” 

Jimmy felt his breath on his lips. 

Thomas hand was on his face and tracing his jawline, his eyes staring at Jimmy with open adoration that had his cheeks flaming and his neck flushing. Thomas leaned in and his lips pressed against his jaw, following the trail of his fingers and back again. Jimmy sighed and his hands reached up and touched Thomas’ bare chest and he felt Thomas heartbeat. Fast and furious, like it was trying to fly out of his chest. It matched Jimmy’s heartbeat and it made him feel brave. 

“Kiss me,” he breathed. 

Thomas made a sound, but he kept his mouth pressed against his jaw and his cheek. Jimmy was about to ask again when he felt Thomas hands pushing off his jacket. Then he was deftly undoing buttons, yanking at his braces. All the while his mouth pressed against whatever part of Jimmy’s skin was closest. As his shirt fell to the floor, Thomas was licking at the hollow of his throat and Jimmy was gripping onto his shoulder, head tipped back and trying to find his voice again to ask for more, to ask for his lips against Thomas’. Thomas pressed kisses against his jaw, his hands coming up to cup his face and he kissed Jimmy. 

It was demanding and perfect. Jimmy kissed him, feeling hungry and greedy for it. Thomas was always pushing, being pushy, not relinquishing the pace. He kissed him and his hands were shoving at him. Jimmy stumbled at the manhandling but Thomas held onto him tightly. He felt himself turning and then a slow controlled fall. The bed creaked under them as their combined weight pushed against it and Thomas put one hand by Jimmy’s side, keeping himself from crushing Jimmy. But he was staring up and wishing Thomas would crush him, never stop kissing him, never stop touching him. 

Thomas pulled away from him and stared down at him. Jimmy reached up and grabbed his head intent on pulling down as he leaned upward his eyes on his mouth. Their lips met and Jimmy eagerly kissed him, he poured in weeks of want into it and Thomas moaned and pulled away from him. He pressed down against the length of his body and their foreheads touched. Thomas stared at him and started shaking his head. 

“Shouldn’t be doing this,” he whispered.

Jimmy opened his mouth to argue but Thomas put his fingers into it and Jimmy ended up scraping them with teeth at the shocked of it. But then he was sucking on them and Thomas nodded and licked his lips. He bent down and whispered in his ear…. “I love you.” 

“Oh,” Jimmy gasped.

Thomas leaned up completely, moving so his knees were on either side of Jimmy, straddling him, pressing against his erection. He stayed there and looked down at Jimmy and he was far enough away Jimmy couldn’t read his expression. He was lost and he reached forward, leaning up and grabbed Thomas’ hips, his hands grabbing the fabric of the pants. 

“Jimmy?” Thomas was shaking his head. 

“Don’t think” Jimmy whispered. “Do what you want.” 

Thomas chuckled and he leaned back down, their bare chests meeting and kissed him hard and demanding, his hands in his hair. Jimmy kissed him back and rolling his hips up and Thomas whimpered into his mouth and pulled back just enough to look Jimmy in the eye. “You have no idea what I want to do with you, to you, the things I want to do…” 

Jimmy nodded and leaned up and kissed him. 

Thomas kissed him and then moved his mouth to his throat, and down it. His mouth was on his chest, teeth scraping over his nipple and Jimmy made a noise he didn’t recognize. Thomas chuckled into his skin and he was kissing down his stomach, the light press of his lips and Jimmy looked down and him and saw dark gray eyes staring up at him and Thomas kissed around his navel and back down again and Jimmy felt his insides dip and flip inside out as he watched. Thomas leaned up and started undoing Jimmy’s pants. 

“Shit,” left his mouth unbidden.

Thomas froze. “I apol….”

“Do it,” Jimmy snapped cutting off the apology he didn’t want. “I want it.”

“It?”

Jimmy groaned and let himself fall back on the bed. “You, this, just fucking touch me.” 

Thomas was over him and Jimmy glared up at him. Thomas touched his face and lightly kissed him. Jimmy grabbed at his face, fingers in his hair and kissed him back making it harder and more demanding. Thomas pulled away and he stared down. 

“Do one of the things you want to do me.” 

“I shouldn’t…” Thomas shook his head. 

“You started this…” 

“I know.” Thomas climbed off the bed and crossed the room. 

“Thomas?” 

“You should go, I’m sorry.”

“No,” Jimmy jumped off the bed and walked over to him, moving around him so they stood face to face. “I want to stay.” 

“You think you do.” 

“I know I do.”

“Right now, Jimmy but not later.”

“You can’t know that.”

“But I do…” 

“Why did you invite me in then?” he sighed. 

“I’m mad. And weak. I can’t stop thinking about you, having you. I keep dreaming about you… I’ve kissed you and tasted your skin and made it all worse.”

“You distract me, I keep thinking about your mouth and how I want it against mine, how I want to touch you. I can’t stop, I tried and not sure want to.” 

“And in the light of day?”

“Haven’t changed me mind. I started it. I touched you. I want you.” 

Thomas reached and his hands touched Jimmy’s ribs, his fingers tips dragged down his skin, lightly tickling him and making him shiver. His hands paused Jimmy’s half unfastened pants. He gripped the fabric and met Jimmy’s eyes — his own a gray storm of want, fear, and love. Jimmy leaned up and kissed him. Thomas kissed him back, his hands pushed down on Jimmy’s pants and his underwear. Jimmy felt them pool at his feet and he shivered again as the air hit him. Thomas pulled away from his mouth and stepped backward, grabbing Jimmy’s hands and stared. 

He brazenly stared at him and it made Jimmy feel hot and flushed. And needy but he watched Thomas’s eyes trail up and down him. More than once like he was trying to memorize him. Their eyes met and Jimmy swallowed at both the lust and the ever present love that was in Thomas' eyes. Jimmy licked his lips, his erection felt heavy and he stared back at Thomas daring him to do something. 

Thomas dropped his left hand and dropped to his knees. Jimmy squeezed the hand he was still holding as all his insides flipped. Thomas was at eye level with his cock and Jimmy inhaled sharply. Thomas looked up at him and Jimmy met the stare and nodded his head. Thomas opened his mouth and licked up his cock and Jimmy jolted at the sensation and he felt hands grab his hips, pulling him in and Thomas licked up his cock again and wrapped his mouth around his head. 

“Oh…” 

Thomas popped his mouth off of him and stood up. Jimmy stared at him feeling betrayed which made Thomas laughed. He gripped his hand and pulled him back toward the bed. He pushed him back onto it and moved between his legs and wrapped his left hand around Jimmy’s cock. Jimmy leaned up on his elbows and tried to remember how to breathe. But all he felt was Thomas’ hand, dragging against his skin, his thumb over the head, gathering the wetness there and then it was his mouth again and Jimmy sighed. His eyes falling closed and he fell backward. Everything disappeared except for Thomas’ mouth and hands touching him in ways he hadn’t thought possible and he knew the truth then. Thomas was right he was clueless to the things Thomas wanted to do with him. But it didn’t change the fact the wanted them and he rolled his hips, wanting Thomas to take in more of him on instinct. 

Thomas right hand pressed down on his hip then making him stay still and he looked up again, on his elbows and his hand found Thomas hair and he grabbed onto it wasn’t sure if he should push or pull. Thomas swallowed him further and he gasped out and pushed down. 

“I…” it was an attempt of a warning. Thomas pulled off of him seconds before he came, his right hand wrapping around him and stroking him through it. Jimmy fell back down flat and he stared at the ceiling until Thomas was in view of him again. He leaned up and kissed him and tasted himself on Thomas’ lips and he made noise in the back of his throat.

Thomas kissed him back, sliding on top of him, making sure he wasn’t crushing him. And part of Jimmy wished he would crush him but it was an idle thought and one forgotten when he felt Thomas hard between them. He broke away from the kiss and pushed at Thomas until he was sitting on the edge of the bed and Jimmy reached down. His palm flat against Thomas cock, it felt familiar and not. Bigger, he thought and then he was moving them, he grabbed Thomas and flipped their positions and unfastened Thomas pants, he yanked on them and Thomas lifted his hips. He was staring at Jimmy, eyes dark and mouth open. Jimmy leaned forward, kissed him and wrapped his hand around his cock. 

“Oh,” Thomas gasped into Jimmy’s mouth. 

“Yeah,” Jimmy agreed and leaned away from him and looked at his hand. Wrapped around another cock and he ran his fingers over the head of him and made it his fingers wet and he licked his lips. He stroked down Thomas and felt his palm drag against Thomas and blushed knowing what he would do if it was his own cock. 

“Jimmy,” Thomas sat up and grabbed his hand. “I don’t…”

“Shut up, Thomas.” Jimmy reached over him and pulled open the top drawer of his nightstand. 

“What are you…”

He frowned, closing it and opened the second drawer and grinned. He pulled out the container petroleum jelly and gave Thomas a smug grin. Thomas stared at him and then looked away blushing. Jimmy grabbed his face and turned him toward him. He leaned forward and kissed him again and wondering if he could get bored of this. He was easily bored and kept waiting for it to happen when he was with Thomas. It never did. Maybe it wouldn’t? Maybe it couldn’t? He opened the tin and got it on his fingers and broke the kiss. 

He wrapped his palm around him again, licked his lips and stared down at Thomas cock and wondered how it might feel his mouth, big and long. He closed his eyes and felt dizzy. 

Thomas wrapped his hand over Jimmy’s, Jimmy met his eyes and nodded, and together they started stroking Thomas. Their eyes remained locked and Jimmy's face felt like it was on fire but there was no stopping, not now. He'd done this and he looked down at his hand — and it was only his hand now and he moved his wrist and Thomas made a sound. His eyes flew up to Thomas who was staring straight at Jimmy. He was moving his body into Jimmy’s hold and then his hand reached out and grabbed Jimmy’s face, pulling him in and they kissed. Open mouth, messy, breaking apart to breathe and Thomas’ breath started to stutter and he put his head on Jimmy’s shoulder. Jimmy's eyes fell back to his hand and he twisted his wrist again and watched Thomas come with wide eyes. 

Jimmy closed his eyes and listened to them breathing. Both of them sounded breathless and Jimmy’s mind was whirring. This was more than before, this was so much more and there was still something weird in the room. Something bigger than him and he felt like Thomas was the one who knew it, who got it and that was why Thomas was afraid. He opened his eyes and he saw Thomas watching him. Looking at him that way he didn’t deserve; all love and care. He looked away from it but Thomas grabbed his chin and Jimmy found himself looking into gray eyes that couldn’t hide fear. 

“I love you,” Thomas whispered and he sounded surprised by it. 

“That’s strange?”

“No,” Thomas laughed. “I just… knew I shouldn’t have caved into this.” 

“Thomas…”

“Just don’t tell me you regret it, ever.” 

Jimmy frowned. 

“We shouldn’t…”

“We are.”

Thomas shook his head.

Jimmy grabbed his face and kissed him. Thomas was still for a beat but then he was kissing him desperately and Jimmy found himself underneath him again. Staring into eyes that were filled with too many emotions for Jimmy to understand. 

“You’re afraid of something that won’t happen,” Jimmy said. 

Thomas shook his head. 

“I’ll never regret it.” 

Thomas sighed. “Maybe not now, maybe in this moment, during this night you don’t. It’s true right now but it might not be… you’re… you’re not like me, Jimmy. You could find happiness with a woman, build a life and a family. You’ll want to, someday you’ll want to.” 

Jimmy shook his head, his mind racing because that was right, wasn’t it? Wasn’t that supposed to be right? He wanted his fun but he’d settle down because that was what was done, expected. Jimmy furrowed his brow, he never much liked being expected. 

“Maybe you’re wrong, Thomas. You’re afraid and I understand it…” he looked away. “I’m scared too but I know one thing. I won’t regret this and I’m going to want you, I’m going to keep wanting you.” 

“You…”

“I do and maybe it’s lust and that’s unfair to you. I know you… you love me.” 

Thomas looked away and his cheeks reddened. A laugh punched out of Jimmy which had Thomas looking back at him. “What?”

“That’s making you blush?”

Thomas blushed deeper. “It makes you uncomfortable.”

“No, yes, I don’t know,” Jimmy sighed.

“I do, love you… and it is unfair. But my life never has been.”

That bothered him and he wasn’t sure what to do with it. It was a truth that shouldn’t be true. Jimmy found himself yanking Thomas to him and kissing him. Thomas gasped surprised but he kissed him back, Jimmy knew he’d always kiss him back. They pulled away and Thomas was looking at him with a hunger that made Jimmy’s head spin. 

“You must go, we’ll get caught.” 

Jimmy nodded and sighed as Thomas let go of him and moved away. Even lightly pushed him off the bed. Jimmy found himself standing, he collected his clothes and yanked on his pants — holding the rest. Thomas put himself under his bedding, a blanket around his waist. Their eyes locked. 

“Goodnight.” 

“I don’t not love you,” Jimmy whispered but he left the room before he could see Thomas’ reaction.


	6. Chapter 6

Jimmy wondered at how things could sail along. Not a thing out of place in the daily activities of his life. He went about his day, he performed his duties. He had his daily fantasy or two of shouting at Carson. All the things that clattered around his mind when the man threw around his weight. He daydreamed about boat trips and America. He would hum a jazz song and wish he was on the streets of London. He flirted with Ivy to pass the time and laughed at how it made Alfred’s face turn sour. 

He walked outside and saw Thomas leaning against the wall, already smoking a cigarette. Head tipped back and staring at the clear sky above them. Jimmy felt his insides flip at the sight of him and the memories of his mouth and his hands. The memory of coming undone on Thomas bed and feeling alive in ways he hadn’t known possible. He stared at the shape of Thomas' face, his pale skin and the scatter of freckles. As he got closer and closer, he took in every detail he could of him. He knew he was staring but he couldn’t help it and maybe it was breaking the rules. Maybe it made him a piss poor pretender. 

Their eyes met and there was weight there. It was the only time he saw any chink in Thomas’ cool demeanor and ability to make it seem as if nothing ever happened between them behind closed doors. He couldn’t hide it completely when their eyes met because it was too much to hide. Jimmy saw the questions, the fear, and the desire. Jimmy promised himself he wouldn’t break the eye contact or the silence. He was going to stare because he was tired of pretending. It’d been over a week and felt like too much, it was exhausting. He hated the lie that was in the air between them. 

Thomas looked away and the disappointment stung. “Here,” Thomas said and held out a cigarette. Jimmy took it and Thomas lighter, he leaned against the wall next to Thomas. Purposely touching their shoulders together, a press of weight and he remembered how Thomas’ bare shoulders felt on his hands. He inhaled on his cigarette and handed back the lighter.

Thomas' fingers brushed his as he took it back and the touch burned. It reminded him other touches from Thomas' fingers. On his jaw, his chest and his cock. He sighed, loudly, wanting Thomas to hear him. He’d reached his limit. He couldn’t put up with the pretense any longer. 

“Jimmy…” Thomas’ voice was a warning.

He gave him a side-long glance and watched Thomas exhale a swirl of smoke. He smoked artistically, Jimmy thought, smoke twisting up in circles and spirals. No one smoked like Thomas, it was watching a performance. But then wasn’t everything Thomas did a performance. He has walls on top of walls, protective armor made from bitter snark. He was a mystery but the truth was Jimmy knew him — but not all of him and he wondered if it was possible to know Thomas Barrow fully? Would he let anyone in or stubbornly stay alone? 

Jimmy stepped forward and turned around. He stood in front of Thomas and crowded him in, stepped into that circle that denoted intimacy. He stared at him and challenged him to look him in the eyes. 

“Jimmy.” His name harsh again, a warning and a sign of fear. 

Jimmy glanced around them, a protective instinct telling him to be sure they were alone. Then he leaned closer and kept his voice low. “Look at me.” 

“No.” Thomas put his cigarette in his mouth and Jimmy watched him suck the last bit of smoke out of it. The exhale putting the smoke right in Jimmy’s face and his eyes stung but he didn’t move or back down. He watched the stub of the cigarette drop the ground. Then he brought his own to his mouth and blew the smoke between them. 

“I’m tired, Thomas.”

Thomas looked at him then. 

“I just want…” Jimmy sighed. 

“You want?” Thomas asked and he moved and their chests touched they were so close.

“I want to come to your room tonight.” 

“Why?” 

“Why?” Jimmy stared at him confused. 

“Simple question.” 

“No, it’s a trick question,” Jimmy spat out. 

“It’s not. You barely looked at me the next day.”

“I looked at you.”

“And then right away.”

“Well, was remembering your mouth around my cock.”

“Jesus,” Thomas breathed out and he pushed Jimmy away from him and looked around the courtyard.

Jimmy pressed back in closer. “We’re alone.”

“Don’t…” Thomas stared at him shaking his head. 

“You looked at me and I saw your mouth and I remembered.” 

“And it’s different in the light of day.”

“It made me hard.” 

Thomas ducked his head and grabbed for his cigarettes. Jimmy reached out and wrapped his hand around Thomas’. “Listen.”

“I can’t….”

“You can,” Jimmy sighed. “Had to look away, the others might see what the sight of your mouth does to me.” 

“The hardship of that too much for you?” Thomas snapped his eyes flashing and he ripped his hand away from Jimmy’s.

Jimmy felt his eyes widen. 

Thomas leaned closer. “Every day Jimmy, for years, your mouth has done that to me. Your voice. Your hands on the piano. The way you light a cigarette, how you drink your bloody tea, shuffling cards. Pulling apart your bow tie in the servant's hall. That neck…” Thomas licked his lips and moved even closer. “Watching you wink and flirt with everyone, including me, clueless that all you need to do is breathe and I want to press you down into my bed and fuck you.” 

He was sweating, his cheeks were flaming and his insides were flipped all around. Jimmy swallowed hard and thought maybe he should move away, slide out of the intimate space he’d encroached upon but he couldn’t. He was stuck in place and he was keeping contact with Thomas’ sharp gray eyes. They were stormy, challenging, they were threatening and meant to terrify him. 

“If my mouth on your cock is too much to handle, what would that do to you? Trap you in your room in case anyone might notice you want me?”

“Thomas…” Jimmy breathed it out and it was an argument but it wasn’t enough of one and he knew it. “I…”

“It was my fault, I wasn’t strong enough… I will be now.” Thomas sounded defeated and he started to move away. Jimmy couldn’t stand the thought of it. He reached out, his hands on Thomas' chest and slammed him back into the wall. 

“We aren’t done.” 

“We are done, Jimmy.”

Jimmy growled and pressed his hands against Thomas’ chest. “You don’t get to decide how I feel or how I will feel. I’m bloody tired of you blaming me for you regretting it. I’m not regretting it. You are. YOU.” 

“You’re wrong,” Thomas sighed and his hands hovered above Jimmy’s cheeks, he could feel the scratch of the glove against his skin. “You’re wrong, I’ll never regret having what little I can get.” 

Jimmy met his eyes and fell into them because all the anger was gone and all he saw as love and the fear of it. He saw Thomas afraid of how he felt about him and Jimmy reached out with his own hand. “Then keep taking what you can get.” 

Thomas sighed and pressed a kiss to his mouth. Soft, careful, chaste and too quick. “I can’t bear it…” he whispered and then he pushed Jimmy away, he was walking away. 

Jimmy stumbled after him and he caught him by an elbow. “Don’t.”

“Jimmy…” he shook his head.

“We can’t go back…” he cried it and felt his eyes sting. “Damn it, we can’t go back.” 

“We have to.”

“No.”

“You’re frustrating, selfish, impulsive arsehole, Jimmy Kent…” Thomas shook his head. “But I love you.”

“Oh…” Jimmy blinked away tears.

“Let me go,” Thomas begged.

Jimmy felt his grip of Thomas’ arm and he looked at his hand. White knuckles, he felt the tension and he looked back into Thomas’ eyes. Stormy gray and full of want. “What if…” he trailed off not sure what he was saying. 

“What if what?” 

“I want you,” Jimmy whispered it and moved closer again. “I want you.”

“It’s not enough.” Thomas sighed. “And if I must settle, it will be for friendship only. Let me go.” 

Jimmy tightened his grip and shook his head. “That’s not… that’s not the answer.”

“It’s the only answer.” 

Jimmy stared at him and shook his head. Thomas looked away from him and tried to pull his arm loose. It just made Jimmy hold on tighter and he tried to find the right words to say but they seemed beyond him. 

“Jimmy,” Thomas pleaded.

Jimmy shook his head but the door to house flew open. A maid walked out, pulling a cigarette from her apron. At the sight of her, Jimmy let go of him and Thomas’ bolted into the house. Jimmy stared at the patch of space where he’d been standing and felt rudderless.

~~~

It was past midnight and Jimmy had no plan at all. But he was impulsive and he was selfish. He was all the things Thomas called him. He started this mess and he knew it. He followed an instinct and not thought it through. He taunted Thomas with himself knowing that Thomas loved him. He loved him and Jimmy loved that. Because he was vain and people should. He shook his head and pinched his nose. 

He wanted Thomas, he knew it wasn’t going to fade — it would’ve by now if it’d been a passing phase if it only been errant curiosity. It would’ve faded by now and maybe Thomas was right if it had he would be regretting it. 

But the want was strong and it was clear in his head. There was no confusion or doubt about it at all. He watched Thomas the rest of the day and knew he would always see how handsome he was. Notice how sexy he could be with the smallest of movements and his graceful gait. Thomas was prideful and Jimmy couldn’t fault him for it. He was regal and it made Jimmy itch to touch him. Once that door opened, there was no going back. 

They couldn’t go back. Jimmy knew it. He felt it. He understood it. But he had to figure out their direction because Thomas wasn’t going to deal with it. He was just going to push and shove it all away. He wanted to pretend it never happened and Jimmy couldn’t see how it would work. It couldn’t work. 

Jimmy wanted him and would continue to want him but it wasn’t enough for Thomas. Thomas was afraid and Jimmy didn’t know how to take it away. He knew they couldn’t go back but he knew he couldn’t lose Thomas. Maybe he couldn’t take as much as he wanted but he had to have Thomas. If it was friendship Thomas was willing to settle for — Jimmy would too. 

It sounded wrong. It felt unfair. It bothered Jimmy. He felt like it might just be a patch up. He wasn’t sure but he had to do something. He had to try. He didn’t want to leave Thomas alone with his thoughts and assumptions. He took a deep breath and told himself he was clever enough to figure it out as it happened. He knocked on Thomas door with the bottle of wine he was holding.


	7. Chapter 7

Jimmy tapped the wine bottle against the door and he waited. He was about to tap it again when the door opened. Thomas stood there in nothing but pants and he stepped backward letting the door slowly creak more open. Jimmy took it as a good sign and stepped inside the door closing behind him. Thomas was on the other side of the room lighting a cigarette. Jimmy closed the space between them, raking his eyes across Thomas chest and itching to follow the trail of hair leading down into his pants. He looked his fill and then he caught Thomas’ gaze. He saw a storm of emotions boring right into him. Thomas wasn’t bothering to hide his love or his lust. It was honest and Jimmy wished he could be that bluntly honest in return. He looked at the wine bottle in his hand and he rose it up to show Thomas. 

“You’re daft.” 

“Maybe.”

“Why are you here?”

“Why did you let me in?” Jimmy pressed because he was surprised.

Thomas licked his lips and his eyes dipped up and down Jimmy’s body. “You know why.” 

“Thought you said this was a bad idea.”

“It is…but I can’t turn you away when it comes down to it.”

“Do you want to be able to turn me away?”

“Want?” Thomas inhaled on his cigarette. “No.”

“Good,” Jimmy leaned upward and pressed his mouth to the side of Thomas’ jaw. 

Thomas backed away from the touch and he stepped forward to chase him, needing to keep Thomas in his personal space. Thomas shook his head at him and his hand came up and pressed against his chest. Keeping him at bay. Thomas plucked the wine from his hand, turned away and placed it on a nearby table. Then he stubbed out his cigarette in an ashtray. He stayed half-turned away from Jimmy for another moment and Jimmy swayed closer. His hand reaching up and out, feeling compelled to touch him. Thomas turned then and grabbed his hand in his, gripping it tightly and he yanked Jimmy into him. His mouth crashing down against Jimmy’s mouth. 

It felt like Thomas was sucking away all his oxygen but he didn’t care. He didn’t care at all and he pulled at him, hands rubbing over skin and he tried to get closer and closer. Thomas growled into his mouth and then Jimmy was against the wall and Thomas' hands were down the back of his pants, gripping onto his ass his mouth pressed against the junction between his neck and his shoulder. Thomas' mouth was hot against his skin and he sighed when one of Thomas’ hands left his ass, but he tugging on Jimmy’s vest and they broke apart. Thomas stared at him and Jimmy never seen anyone so hungry. Jimmy swallowed as he pulled it off for him and dropped it to the floor. Thomas crowded back into him, pressing their chests together and grabbing Jimmy’s left hand in his own. He leaned down and stopped just short of kissing Jimmy. Jimmy swayed forward and up but Thomas swayed back and gave Jimmy a wicked grin. 

“Jesus,” Jimmy whispered. 

“No, he’s nowhere near here,” Thomas laughed darkly and he put his hands on Jimmy’s shoulder and started pushing down and Jimmy found himself easily bending to his will, falling to knees with his head level with Thomas’ crotch. He inhaled sharply as Thomas quickly unfastened his pants and pulled himself free of the clothing. It fell to the ground and Jimmy was eye level with a hard cock bobbing in front of his face. 

“Is this what you _want_ , Jimmy?” 

His heart was jackrabbiting and he was sure he remembered how to breathe properly, he felt like he was panting. But he looked up at Thomas and met dark eyes — they were so dark and they were boring through Jimmy, challenging him and Jimmy felt dizzy from the weight of it. His eyes fell back down, straight to the cock in front of his face and he exhaled, his breath hitting it and Thomas’ body jolted and Jimmy heard his hand hit the wall. 

“Yes,” Jimmy whispered and he wasn’t sure if Thomas could hear him but in a second that wouldn’t matter. He bounced up a bit, leaned forward and wrapped his mouth around the head of Thomas’ cock. Thomas’s cock was in his mouth and he moaned as he swallowed down more of it. 

“JIMMY…” Thomas' voice was loud, too loud given he shouted Jimmy’s name. Jimmy froze where he was, mouth firmly wrapped around his cock. He glanced up met Thomas’ eyes and saw his fist shoved into his mouth. They held their breath together for a long moment and when the room remained blissfully quiet, Thomas nodded and Jimmy opened his mouth wide enough to breath and his tongue flicked against him and Thomas made a sound, Jimmy was sure was a swallowed shout and he grinned smugly as he tested to see how much of Thomas he could swallow. Then he tested it again and pressed his the tongue to the underside of his cock as he rose up. Thomas’ made another sound that Jimmy cataloged as he did it again and then again. Thomas' left hand grabbed onto his head, fingers twisting in his hair. Jimmy continued with what he was doing, getting used to the feel of a cock in his mouth but mostly loving the sounds that kept punching out of Thomas. He heard his left hand hit the wall again and he looked up and Thomas was staring down at him with a rapt expression. Something shot through Jimmy and he felt his own breath catch around the cock in his mouth. He stared at Thomas and slowed to a near stop. 

“Fuck, love, don’t stop…” Thomas' voice was low and harsh and Jimmy was suddenly aware of his own erection. 

He nodded and started up again. Thomas pulled at his hair. “Faster,” he ordered. Jimmy complied and his hand wrapped around the base of him, stroking in counter to the direction of his mouth. Thomas hit the wall again and cursed. “Faster…” he whispered. Jimmy sped up as much as he could and started to feel out of his depth. Unsure and uncertain but he wasn’t about to stop, Thomas was making more and more noises, he could hear him focusing on being quiet. Which was a turn on and Jimmy pressed his other hand against himself, stroking himself through his pants.

“Off, mouth off…” Thomas' voice was deep and felt too loud. Jimmy listened without meaning too because he really didn’t want to relinquish Thomas’ cock from his mouth. But he saw Thomas own hand wrap around himself, he watched Thomas come and realized he could feel himself doing the same against his own hand. 

Thomas dropped down to the floor, his eyes on where Jimmy’s hand was against himself, eyes wide and mouth open. “You drive me mad,” he whispered, his expression unguarded and Jimmy felt like love was being poured onto him. He wanted it, he wanted that love, he thought and he leaned forward, grabbed Thomas’ face and kissed him. Thomas returned it, fiercely, and Jimmy was on his back on the floor and Thomas' hands were everywhere and his tongue was doing dirty things that Jimmy never dreamed off inside of his mouth. He raked his nails down Thomas’ back and Thomas broke away for air and his forehead crashed against Jimmy’s with a hard bump. They both winced and then laughed. But then Thomas’ expression turned serious and his fingers stroked Jimmy’s cheek and he pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. 

“Don’t,” Jimmy ordered. 

Thomas eyes closed. 

“Don’t shut down and don’t shut me out.” 

Thomas opened his eyes. “You think I want to?”

“No, I know you don’t want to, so don’t…”

Thomas stroked his cheek and pressed another soft kiss to his mouth. “You have no idea.” 

“Tell me.” 

“We could’ve gotten caught…”

“That would’ve been your fault,” Jimmy quipped.

“It’s not funny.” Thomas shook his head. 

“A bit…” 

“No…” Thomas started to move away but Jimmy grabbed onto him. Thomas sighed and settled back over him. Hand back on his cheek and he sighed. “You’ll leave me.” 

Jimmy shook his head. 

“You aren’t in love with me.” 

“Yet,” Jimmy breathed. 

Thomas' eyes widened. “What?”

Jimmy reached up and mirrored Thomas, stroking his fingers down his cheekbone. “Yet…I’m not in love with you yet.”

“Don’t…” Thomas shook his head. 

“Tell the truth?”

“Jimmy…” Thomas eyes closed and he looked pained. Jimmy trailed his fingers up his cheekbone and into his hair. 

“Being honest.”

“You can’t… you can’t say you could love me.” 

“Why not?”

“Because you…” Thomas sighed. “Aren't like me.” 

Jimmy laughed and Thomas eyes flew open. “It’s not…”

“Funny. Right, I know… but it is, Thomas. Because pretty sure a man not like you would not have just had their mouth around your cock.” 

Thomas turned his head away from in a motion that was pure shyness and it made Jimmy laugh again and he grabbed his jaw and moved him back so their eyes were locked. 

“Will you trust me?” Jimmy asked. 

“I…”

“Try?”

“Trust isn’t…”

“It’s me, Thomas. Me,” Jimmy toyed with the hair at his temple. “It’s me underneath you here in the dark.”

“Jimmy.”

“You love me.”

“Yes.” 

“Then trust me.” 

“I trusted once…” Thomas sighed. 

“Who?”

“My parents.” 

“And?”

“They threw me out.” Thomas sighed and rolled off of Jimmy. Putting him right next to him on the floor. Jimmy turned toward him and breathed out in relief when Thomas was facing him. His expression broken, the truth about his family hanging between him and Jimmy realized he had no words to say to that so he kissed him. Softly but he pressed his mouth against Thomas with intent and it became a slow but deep kiss. The two of them only breaking away because their lungs burned for air.

“I don’t know how.” 

Jimmy ran his fingers through Thomas’ hair and wished he knew what to say but he felt any words would feel trite and empty. He closed his eyes and moved closer to Thomas again, wanting to be closer. Hand on his hip, forehead against his again — it felt like his favorite place, he thought. 

“Do you believe I want you?” he finally asked.

Thomas nodded. 

“I won’t stop.”

Thomas sighed.

“I won’t and I’ll prove it.” 

“How?”

Jimmy kissed him soft and quick, pulling back with a wink. 

Thomas expression soften and he stared at Jimmy fondly. “I love you,” he breathed. 

“Then you can trust me.” 

“It’s not that simple.”

“I know,” Jimmy sighed feeling exasperated. “You keep pushing me away, claiming it’s me who’s going to do it…” 

“Better now than…”

“Later… same old song,” Jimmy snapped and he tugged on Thomas' hair, leaning in close enough to kiss but he held back. “This, we can’t pretend this isn’t happening.” 

“No, I suppose not,” Thomas whispered. 

“Then can we do tomorrow my way?”

Thomas stroked his cheek and leaned up, kissing him, Jimmy felt himself sigh into it because he hoped it meant he was winning. “Your way,” Thomas whispered pulling his lips away.

Jimmy smiled and pressed down to kiss him again. They kissed until Thomas room began to fill with gray light and somehow they managed to push Jimmy out the door and into his own room.


	8. Chapter 8

Jimmy smoked a cigarette when he got back to his room and looked out his window. He kept thinking about Thomas admitting he couldn’t trust. That he didn’t know how and it all stemmed from parents that turned their backs on their son. He thought about Thomas talked about clocks, he thought about how Thomas looked when he cleaned them up and fixed tiny little problems no one else would probably notice. But he told Jimmy what to look out for and then he’d make sure the clock was tip top shape. All Jimmy did was wind them, Thomas took care of them. And no one blinked an eye, no one really noticed. Thomas’ father was a clockmaker and Thomas loved clocks. 

Jimmy felt anger rise up in his chest, his heart pounded a bit and he moved, walked across his room and back again. Feeling caged and in need of a face to punch. He found himself back at the window, finishing off his cigarette and shaking his head. How did he earn the trust of someone who trusted no one — possibly even himself? Was Thomas going to try to push him away again? Try to protect himself against what he saw as Jimmy’s inevitable change of mind? How did he fight that? Why the hell had he signed up to fight that? 

Thomas.

He wasn’t in love with him. Right? Jimmy shook his head. He cared, he cared about Thomas and that alone kind of surprised him. He cared about only himself for a long time. He lost parents and it was just him, having to go on with the day to day of living. Having to find work and leaving no time for the fun he wanted to have. But he cared about Thomas and it wasn’t that hard really — once he got to know him. Once he saw past the snark, once he saw past his own limitations on what was wrong or right. It was hard not to care about someone who would do anything for you. Jimmy blushed thinking about it and a bit of guilt rolled in. Thomas loving him put him in power and he used it. He used it a lot. In a day to day way. And last night to get what he wanted…

Thomas mouth on him, Thomas’ hands on him. His mouth on Thomas and he felt himself blush. It was hot against his cheeks, his neck and his chest. He licked his lips and remembered how Thomas tasted, how his cock felt in his mouth and the sounds. Thomas whimpering, gasping, nearly shouting. The shout. That shout of his name loud enough it should have had people knocking down the door. Damn that made him feel smug. He remembered talking and touching and kissing. No hurry, nothing, just wanting it, his mouth and his hands on him. And that look, that soft look on Thomas’ face when he stared right at Jimmy. The look that was always followed with an _I love you._

It was bold the way Thomas could say it, he just put it out there. His father never said it to his mother, at least not in front of him. He couldn’t imagine any of the Crawley’s ever saying it — though it were obvious. But say it? No. Jimmy knew without a doubt if Thomas could say it publicly he would. He just would, he’d put it all out there, all on the line. It was Thomas and he sighed. It was Thomas but at the same time he was pushing Jimmy away…

“He’s that afraid…” Jimmy sighed. “He’ll try again. I’ll just have to remind him we’re doing it my way. He promised,” he muttered to himself. He looked out the window. The sunrise outside was brilliant, orange and pinks, it was beautiful. It also meant he wasn’t getting any sleep. But he didn’t feel like he needed it. 

He felt alive after that night with Thomas. He felt alive.

~~~

“There’s a new flick playing,” Alfred said. 

“So?” Jimmy asked him.

“Wanna ask Ivy.”

“And I want the sky to fall on your head.”

“What’s that mean? You think she’ll say no.”

“You know she will.”

“Yeah, that’s why I want you to come with. Her and couple of the house maid.”

“There are only a couple of housemaids and neither of them girls I want to be seen with in public. In fact, don’t want to be seen in public with your ugly mug either.” 

“Jimmy, you have to do this for me. Daisy could come, you like Daisy.”

“Daisy isn’t going to go when you want to be with Ivy, don’t be daft…” Jimmy frowned as he worked the polish into the platter he was holding. Why was he stuck at the hip with Alfred Nugent? Why could he be the under butler and Thomas a footman? Jimmy started laughing; the picture of Alfred trying to do Thomas’ job, blundering around and making Carson bellow was too much for him and he doubled over laughing. 

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“So, will ya?” 

Jimmy kept laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Thomas asked walking into the room. “You’re both supposed to be polishing silver and not chit-chatting.” 

“I wanna go to the flicks.”

“That’s lovely Alfred, who said you could?”

“Haven’t asked yet… but think it’ll be me, Ivy, the housemaids and Jimmy.”

“No, no, no,” Jimmy shook his head. “It won’t be me.”

“Well, then, no one is going to the flicks.” Thomas snarked without missing a beat and Jimmy grinned at him until Thomas pinned him with an intense stare. The intensity slammed into Jimmy and instantly he remembered last night and his cheeks burned again — he realized it was a sensation he would have to get used to. Because he was remembering it clearly, being on his knees and making Thomas fall apart. 

“Mr. Barrow, perhaps if you came…” Alfred cut in destroying the moment. At least Jimmy felt like he was destroying it and he turned to glare at Alfred, in unison with Thomas. 

Alfred blinked at the both of them and then looked at Thomas again. “Mr. Barrow…”

“I will not be going to the flicks. With you. Or the housemaids. I’m the Under Butler.” 

Alfred deflated for a minute before he looked at Jimmy again, Jimmy raised an eyebrow and dared him to ask him again. “Why not?” Alfred said. 

“Because you are boring. Because Ivy is a nitwit.” 

“She is not,” Alfred snapped.

Jimmy rolled his eyes and looked back at Thomas. Thomas staring at him with an odd expression. “What?”

“It can wait,” Thomas said. “Get to work before Carson sees the two of you sitting still.” 

“Yes, Mr. Barrow,” Alfred said. 

Jimmy watched Thomas leave the room and the second he was out of sight, Jimmy realized Thomas wasn’t avoiding him. Thomas stepped into the room and even looked directly at him. Jimmy grinned and picked the platter up again. 

“What are you smiling at?”

“Your doom,” Jimmy cracked.

“What?”

“You’re doomed to an Ivyless night. Just like every other night. Get used to it.” 

~~~

Jimmy frowned when he walked outside and Thomas wasn’t there smoking. Panic set in immediately bringing back the fear of being avoided. What if he was avoiding him? What if Thomas was merely doing his job earlier in the day and just enjoying the opportunity to snark at Alfred. He frowned and dug out a cigarette and his empty packet of matches. He thought it typical. And he felt angry. Thomas promised they would do things his way today. He promised. And sure Jimmy wasn’t at all sure what his way was but he felt it was understood that Thomas shouldn’t keep his distance. And this was their time, this was when they weren’t a footman or an under butler. This was them, smoking and snarking. He wanted his damn friend out here and he wanted to be near Thomas. Just to be near Thomas. It wasn’t like he asking for that much was he? He wanted a cigarette but he had an empty matchbook, nothing to spark it to life with but he wasn’t going back inside. He wouldn’t. He wasn’t going to try to track Thomas down. Not this times. Disappointment spread and his anger settled into an ache in his chest. He stared at the door and willed Thomas to walk out of it. 

And he did. He walked through the door, looking immaculate as always and already lighting his cigarette. He walked up to Jimmy and saw him holding the cigarette and an empty matchbook. He lit his lighter and lit it for him and then leaned against the wall next to Jimmy. 

Jimmy blinked and stared at him. Watched the cigarette go into his mouth and remembered that mouth been on him. He stared at Thomas and felt dumbfounded he was there and stupid. He felt stupid for thinking he wouldn’t be — he wasn’t avoiding him. Why was he scared about it anyway? Thomas promised. 

“Jimmy?”

“Yeah,” Jimmy said.

“Going smoke it or let it burn out?” Thomas indicated his cigarette.

“Oh.” 

Thomas gave him a weird look and then he turned away. Jimmy instantly hated the loss of his eyes on him. “Thomas?”

Thomas turned back to him. “Yeah?”

Jimmy felt his cheeks heat in embarrassment because he wasn’t sure what do now? He’d worked himself into a stupid panic and then Thomas walked out of the door and all he could do was stare and think about the things they’ve done and wish for the chance to do more. 

“You do want me here, right?” Thomas suddenly asked and he looked worried like he was scared the answer was no. 

“Of course,” Jimmy breathed. 

“Good,” Thomas said but his expression remained guarded. 

“It is good,” he agreed. 

“You stole that wine,” Thomas said after a beat.

“Oh. Yeah. I did.”

“That was stupid.”

“Didn’t get caught did I?”

Thomas rolled his eyes. “And you won’t, I put it back.” 

“What? We’re supposed to drink it.”

Thomas shook his head. 

“Come on, they won’t miss it… I heard his Lordship telling Carson he doesn’t like that year.” 

“Would’ve blamed me.”

“What?”

“They would’ve blamed me for it. Past transgressions.” 

“If you stole wine and they knew it you wouldn’t have a job.” 

Thomas laughed. “You think I couldn’t get myself of a hole like that?” 

Jimmy stared at him. 

“I was needed.” 

“That I can believe,” Jimmy said staring at him and feeling like he needed him too. Thomas turned toward him and caught his gaze. Jimmy stood there unwavering in it. 

“Anyway, it’s back and it’ll stay put.”

“This you being my superior?” Jimmy leaned closer to him. 

“No. It’s me being your friend.”

Jimmy grinned. “You’re a good friend too.” 

Thomas shook his head. 

Jimmy looked around, leaned in as close as he could risk it and whispered. “I wish I could kiss you.”

Thomas ears and cheeks turned pinked and he leveled Jimmy with a look of reproach. At least on the surface, Jimmy saw the want flash in his eyes, it was just a sliver of what he’d seen the night before but it was enough to put him back there. He wondered what Thomas saw in his own eyes, Thomas was staring at him and Jimmy felt like if their gaze broke something bad might happen. So he stared back. 

Until Thomas cleared his throat and looked away. 

“You promised.”

“Still best you don’t look at me like that during the day.” 

“Maybe,” Jimmy pouted. 

“Did you…” Thomas seemed to have cut himself off.

“Did I what?”

“Mean it, about it Ivy.”

“Mean what about Ivy?”

“That’s she a nitwit?” 

“Of course.”

“Oh. Just thought you liked her. You took her to the pub that one time.”

“Oh, that was just to annoy Alfred. He really got on my nerves that week.”

Thomas laughed. “But she’s pretty…right?” 

Jimmy stared at him. “Yeah, she’s nice to look at but that’s about it.”

“Really?” Thomas stared at him. 

“What?”

“You aren’t interested in her? Because I thought that once and…” 

“No. Never was… you were right there.” 

Jimmy watched him and hated the guarded look and the half answers. “What is it you’re really trying to ask?”

“You still like them right? Women?”

Jimmy shrugged. “Probably? I don’t know. Don’t like any of the ones around. But I mean Ivy is pretty and Daisy has nice eyes.” 

“I see,” Thomas said coolly.

Jimmy sighed. “You don’t.”

“Don’t I?”

“You don’t get to put a wall between us cause I like women.”

“What should I do then?” Thomas snapped. 

“Focus on the fact I want you. Only you. No one else I want.”

“As you’ve pointed out your choices are limited.” 

“So are yours.”

“Extremely.”

“Really? So I guess it’s just my proximity that has you want me?”

“Don’t be daft.” 

“You first,” Jimmy snapped. “You need to trust me.”

“Right…” Thomas breathed out a long exhale and smoke swirled around them. 

Jimmy watched it in the air and waited for it to dissipate. He moved quickly, standing in front of Thomas, then he crowded into him, making sure to stand straight. He might be lacking a few inches but he wasn’t small and he was feeling that anger rise — the one he felt in his room when he wished he could punch the people who hurt Thomas. At this very moment, it felt like it included Thomas. “Stop overthinking, in fact just stop thinking because you just make worst case scenarios and they aren’t what’s happening. I want you. It’s not lack of female options. It. Is. Because. I. Want. You.” 

Thomas' eyes darted from Jimmy’s mouth to his eyes and back. Jimmy hoped he saw his want, that he saw he meant it, that he saw that things weren’t changing. Not in the way Thomas was afraid they might — or maybe he was afraid of what they were changing into. Jimmy felt his heart pound and realized he was too but the alternative bothered him more. He was not stepping backward. 

“Thomas,” Jimmy whispered. “Believe me.” 

“You have to move,” Thomas whispered back his mouth dipping back down to Jimmy’s mouth. 

“Yeah?” Jimmy grinned and leaned in even closer, as much as he dared anyway. He felt oddly brave, probably stupidly so, but he wasn’t in a mood to tell himself to stop. He needed to show Thomas he was wanted, he had to make it clear. 

“Jimmy” Thomas sighed and his eyes darted over Jimmy’s shoulder. Then Thomas' eyes grew darker and Jimmy saw something take shape and turn into boldness which led to a challenge. His eyes turned hard as did the angle of his face, the want pouring right onto to Jimmy again. Thomas' hand grabbed Jimmy’s hip and he leaned in closer. “I will kiss you. Right here.” 

He was being dared to step back. He was being made to turn back. It was the smart move. It was even the right move depending on how you looked at it. But it was the wrong answer. If he backed off Thomas would think his point about Jimmy regretting everything was right. Jimmy wasn’t losing this game. 

“Do it.”


	9. Chapter 9

“Do it,” 

“Jimmy.” His name was a weapon on Thomas’ tongue, it made his insides flip and his cock harden. His hand flew up and grabbed at the lapel on Thomas’ jacket. Thomas hand dug against his hip, through his pants and pulled him in their lower bodies pressed together. Jimmy saw Thomas eyes on his mouth, cool gray, flickering with want and that reckless bravery Jimmy knew all too well. Thomas cursed and pressed his mouth against his, angrily, hard, teeth and tongue. It made Jimmy surge forward to meet him, pushing Thomas into the wall behind him. Thomas' hands rose to his face and Jimmy’s pressed inside his jacket and he was upset at the lack of skin and the scratch of fabric between them and Thomas’ back. 

Jimmy felt Thomas pushing back where he stood, kissing into him, hands going to his shoulders to press him closer to Thomas. But they always went back to his face, they stumbled and tangled. Jimmy wasn’t about to relinquish, he wasn’t going to be the one to break away. He was making a point and he was going to make Thomas see it. 

“Oh!” 

It was a high voice, it was a startled gasp and Jimmy felt Thomas hands land on his chest and shove him away. He stumbled backward all of two steps before reaching forward and grabbing Thomas’ arm to steady himself. His eyes flew to Thomas' eyes but he was looking over Jimmy’s head eyes wide with terror. No, he looked petrified and Jimmy realized he had seen it before, the pure horror in Thomas’ eyes. It was the expression that been on his face in the seconds before Jimmy shoved him out of his room that night, well over a year ago, it was that fear that was on all the edges of Thomas’s expression. That same fear of being caught. Of being seen. Known. 

Hated. 

Jimmy found his feet, let go of Thomas’ arm and turned to see who it was and felt relief punch him in the gut when it was Anna. Anna was staring at them, her face red and her eyes wide. She looked between them and opened her mouth but nothing came out. Jimmy started to step toward her, trying to think about what to say to her. How to explain it? Did he go with the truth? This was Anna — he could charm her into being silent, he almost sure of it. 

Thomas hand grabbed his shoulder and Jimmy found himself spinning around. “Hit me,” Thomas mouthed. 

Jimmy shook his head. 

“Hit me,” Thomas mouthed it again.

Jimmy shook his head. 

Thomas shoved him a bit and Jimmy staggered back on his feet. “Blame me if you have any self-preservation,” Thomas hissed into his ear, as he body checked him a bit and stalked into the house. Jimmy staggered a bit, more out the inability to process…. They’d been kissing and it had been amazing. He forgotten where they were, who they were, nothing but him and Thomas mattered. But that wasn’t the world they lived in — and this was a consequence, this was a reminder of where they lived and who they were. This was one of the realities that Thomas was certain would send Jimmy running away. 

“Jimmy,” Anna’s voice sounded strained. 

Jimmy sighed and turned toward Anna. She was looking at him with a strained expression, her cheeks were pink. He wondered what she thought about what she’d seen? It wasn’t… It wasn’t for anyone eyes but definitely wasn’t for the eyes of someone like Anna. Married or not. 

“I’m sorry, Anna,” he said. 

“Are you okay, Mr. Barrow didn’t…”

“No.”

“Are you sure, if Thomas’ made you uncomfortable. We can go to Mr. Carson.”

“NO!” Jimmy snapped. 

Anna’s eyes widened. 

“There is no reason to go to Mr. Carson.” 

“Jimmy… Mr. Barrow is…if he’s put pressure on you.”

Jimmy pressed his lips together and looked toward the house -- toward Thomas. Then he looked at Anna, Thomas' words in his head. Suddenly he was in the past and the present. That terror in Thomas’ eyes — not for his job but for his life. _Blame me,_ the order hissed in his head. Jimmy felt a sudden intense fear and knowing. 

“No, no, no, no….” He looked at Anna. “Don’t say anything, to anyone, please, until we get a chance to talk. Please, Anna!” 

She blinked at him for a moment and he was afraid she was about to say no, and he had no time for that. He had no time at all. Finally, she nodded and he bolted. He bolted into the house and down the hall and threw open the door to Carson’s office. 

Both Carson and Thomas’ eyes went right to him. 

“What is this?” Carson shouted standing up. “James, why have you barged into my office with no warning?”

“I need to talk to Mr. Barrow, Mr. Carson. It’s important.”

“Well, as Mr. Barrow says he has something important to tell me, it will have to wait.”

“It really can’t, Mr. Carson. Mr. Barrow, it’s vitally important, we talk now.” Jimmy glared at Thomas. 

Thomas stared back at him and Jimmy was sure to the outside eye he looked, cool, calm and in control. But he couldn’t fool Jimmy, all he could see was panic, fear, and stupid bravery. 

“What is it that is so important,” Mr. Carson asked. 

“It’s about a clock,” JImmy lied.

“A clock. Mr. Barrow, what is you need to say to me?”

Jimmy implored Thomas. “Mr. Barrow, I think I might have broken it but I am sure with your aid, I can _FIX_ it.”

“Broke it!” Mr. Carson bellowed. “That’s it, the two of you out of here and if the clock can’t be fixed, it’s out of your wages James.” 

“Yes, Mr. Carson,” Jimmy said and he waited for Thomas to walk out of the office. Thomas walked past him and gave him a hard look. Jimmy scowled at him and pushed him into the boot room. He closed the door and stood in front of it — he wasn’t going to let Thomas flee. 

“Have you lost your mind,” Thomas snapped at him.

“Me?” 

“Yes. Let me take care of this.”

“You mean allow you destroy your life, to what? Protect me?”

Thomas looked away for a moment, Jimmy could see his wheels turning and he wondered what was going on in his mind. Both knew the answer was yes and he saw it loud and clear in Thomas' eyes when he looked back at him. 

“Not this time,” Jimmy said.

“What?”

“No more protecting me. I’m going to protect you.”

“There is no way to protect me.”

“There is plenty.”

“Jimmy.”

“I can deal with Anna.” 

“How? She’s probably telling Bates as we speak. He’ll immediately go to Carson if not directly to his Lordship.”

“She’s not, okay, she promised me.”

Thomas rolled his eyes. 

“She did. Will you trust me, I can deal with this… don’t go telling Carson some lie about forcing a kiss on me.”

“Isn’t when I have done just that…” 

“That’s equivocating.”

“Truth is a bendable thing, Jimmy.”

Jimmy found himself smiling. 

“This isn’t funny…”

“I know but that was.. Just so you,” he grinned at Thomas. 

“Jimmy, I have to do this.”

“And get sent out of here without a reference?”

“They’ll give me one. No scandal.”

“There is no scandal because nothing wrong happened.”

“That’s not true, is it?”

“What the law?” 

“The house can’t risk it.”

“Anna’s not going to say a word.”

“You can’t know that, Jimmy.”

“I can. I do. I will deal with it.” 

“How?”

“I will…” Jimmy inhaled and stepped closer to him. He grabbed Thomas hands, both of them and gripped the left just a bit tighter and brought it up to his chest. He looked up at Thomas, he caught his gaze. “Look at me.” 

Thomas' eyes bored into him, dark and stormy, frightened and panicked, hard and resolute. There was almost too much flickering behind them that Jimmy got dizzy. But he took in a deep breath and pressed Thomas’ left palm right above his heart beat. 

“Feel it? My heart.” 

Thomas nodded. 

“It’s beating too fast because of you, it’s beating too fast because I goaded you into that out there. It’s beating too fast because I shoved you out of my room that night — I hate myself for it, Thomas. I hate myself. Right now at this moment more than I’ve ever hated anyone ever. Never did before you, never knew there was a reason too. You’re a damn good reason though. Feel it pounding, I’m sorry and I’m going to fix this.” 

“Jimmy…”

“You promised you’d try to trust me. Look at me…”

Thomas eyes which threatened to flicker away stayed where they were. 

“You promised you’d try.”

“I…”

“This is it, Thomas. This is the moment.” 

Thomas eyes slid closed. 

“Don’t do anything stupid. Not until I talk with Anna.” 

“Jimmy,… I don’t…”

“I can’t let you ruin your life over me,” Jimmy snapped. 

“What life?” 

Jimmy felt like his chest cracked open and he pressed Thomas hand more against his chest. “Don’t act like you don’t matter.” 

“I don’t, Jimmy. Only to myself and some days, that’s not at all.” 

“You matter. Try to trust me. Ok?”

“I…”

“We’ll talk to Anna together, okay, you can listen.” 

Thomas laughed. “Anna won’t want me near her after that…” 

“Don’t be daft.” 

“Jimmy, I’m not the crazed one. I know what we need to do.”

“No. You aren’t walking out on me. We’re back to this, all your talk about me leaving and you’re the one in a hurry to do just that… No running.”

“I’m trying to save your job, your _reputation_ , Jimmy.”

“Stop being so selfless.” 

Thomas snorted. “I’m not that.” 

“Could fool me,” Jimmy dropped his hand and walked into Thomas space. He touched his chest with both of his hands and looked up at him. “You love me?”

“Of course,” Thomas said his whole expression soft but it hardened quickly. “Which is why I have to go…”

“No. It’s why you’re going to let me fix this.”

“You can’t.”

“What if I can?”

“Jimmy.”

“Let me try. Try to trust me. You promised.”

Thomas sighed. 

Jimmy smiled and wrapped his arms around his neck and looked into his eyes. “It’ll work, Thomas.” 

“It won’t.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to do.”

“Something daft, reckless, not thought through?”

“Okay, you might know a little bit of what I’m going to do.” 

Thomas laughed. 

“Let me try.”

“And try to trust you?”

“You can trust me, Thomas.”

Thomas sighed. 

A sharp knock on the door had them jumping. Alfred opened it and stared at them with a baffled expression. “Service is starting, Carson’s looking for you both. Something about a clock?”

“We’ll be right out,” Thomas said and he gave Jimmy a hard stare. 

“My way, remember?” 

Thomas nodded. “I’ll deal with the clock lie. Go do your job… are you sure Anna…”

“She won’t say anything until I talk to her, we talk to her,” Jimmy grabbed Thomas hand and gave it a quick squeeze. “It’s fixable.” 

Thomas looked at him with uncertainty etched on his face, his fear evident but then he nodded his head. “I’ll try.”

“Be worth it,” Jimmy said and he watched Thomas walked away. He took in a hard and deep breath. He hoped like hell he was right.


	10. Chapter 10

Jimmy wasn’t fond of his job and it wasn’t a secret. When he first arrived at Downton Abbey his plan was to rise up and gain position. Be the first footman, learn valeting and go onto a higher paying job. He tried to save his money, but his easy boredom would lead to him gambling too much of his wages away. He fantasized though, of earning enough to leave service altogether. Maybe try his hand at playing the piano someplace exciting. Find away to America where he was sure he find the fast pace he craved. But over the years the ambition to leave, to escape, to follow the day dreams faded and faded away. 

The reason was glaringly obvious to Jimmy. His eyes kept darting to Thomas, who stood across the room from him at the ready to fill wine glasses. Jimmy couldn’t seem to keep his eyes away from it. One part worry and one part attraction. One part that Thomas was fascinating, he was a contradiction of a man who could hide everything and one who couldn’t hide anything. It was one or the other with Thomas. 

And right now Thomas looked scared. No one but Jimmy was noticing but if anyone dared to look at him, or speak to him at this moment they would. They would see Thomas’ fear in his eyes and in the way he was holding his jaw. His posture was slumped and not his usual ramrod straight. Jimmy eyes darted to Carson and wondered how the butler wasn’t at least noticing that crack in Thomas’ armor. 

Jimmy hated the job but he no longer wished to leave Downton Abbey — not unless he could find a way to bring Thomas with him. Their friendship turned from something he started out guilt into something Jimmy needed. Thomas was his best mate, something he never truly had before in his life. Oh, people liked him, almost everyone liked him. He was charming, he was a flirt and he was nice on the eyes. Bonny face and handsome lad — he would be rich if every time he heard that money fell into his lap. But it was Jimmy Contra Mundi, his entire life, even before his parents' deaths. It was him and it was lonely. Thomas had instantly seen right through him — and that made him uneasy that night, along with all the other things that cause regret to settle on his shoulders. Their friendship was special, it was rare, and now it was it physical in a way Jimmy would never have seen it coming. He would’ve denied it if he had been told he would ever crave another man’s mouth. It made him angry with himself now and he looked at Thomas. He was looking straight back at Jimmy, his eyes screaming that he was coming undone inside. Jimmy nodded slightly, more than really should but only as much as he dared. He wished he could send his thoughts across the room, but since he couldn’t he hoped his eyes and face were readable enough. 

_It will be okay._

Thomas shook his head, it was nearly imperceptible. Jimmy bit the inside of his cheek, to stop himself from yelling. He glanced at the clock in the room and told himself to be patient and nearly started laughing. He’d never been patient in his life and he was worse right now. Yet he had to stay still, he had to stay alert to the family — not Thomas. He hated his job but right now he hated it with an intense rage. He needed to talk with Anna and there wouldn’t be a chance for hours yet. It was frustrating. He tried to tell himself it was a good thing, it was a needed thing. Because what was he going to tell her? What could he tell her? All he knew was they needed to be sure she would keep her mouth quiet — especially to her husband. Mr. Bates may have saved Thomas once but they weren’t friends, they were barely nice to each other — Mr. Bates with his sanctimony and Thomas with his snark. It was oil and water. And Mr. Bates like Anna before him would assume the worst of Thomas, assume he somehow forced or tricked him. 

Jimmy needed to make Anna understand. He needed to get her to keep her mouth shut. It was hitting him how dangerous it all was and that they needed to be cautious, careful. They needed closed doors and secrets. It was the way of it… It terrified Jimmy and he felt it. An urge to run from it. To shut it down. To pretend it never happened. But it was all a product of fear, it was either run or fight. Jimmy glanced at Thomas again, watching him step forward to fill Lady Edith’s wine glass and he knew. He knew that he wouldn’t be giving into the fear. 

Anna would keep their secret, he’ll find a way to get through to her. 

~~~

Jimmy looked around the servant’s hall. He and Thomas were in their usual seats, smoking and playing cards. Though it was a half-hearted game, neither of them were paying attention to the cards. Thomas lit a fourth cigarette and fiddled with his lighter with his fingers after setting it back on the table. Jimmy watched him and nearly reached out to put his hand over Thomas’ and steady him. He wanted to steady him. He looked toward the doors to the servant’s hall and willed Anna to show up.

Lady Mary sure seemed to be monopolizing her time tonight, how hard was it to change into a nightgown? He glanced at the clock and realized he couldn’t really judge her tardiness. He never gave it thought before but it always felt like Anna was always around. She tended to be a bright spot in the room and he quite liked her a lot. She was kind and she was nice. And she did cover for the people she was loyal too. He remembered the night with Lady Rose in the dance hall, the fight that broke out — and he’s positive Anna was the one who helped Lady Rose dress as a house maid of all things to turn that man down. 

“Jimmy?” Thomas’ voice was nearly silent. 

Jimmy turned back to Thomas. 

“It’s best if…”

“She hasn’t gone to him yet,” Jimmy said.

Thomas' eyes widened, his eyes darting to the rest of the staff at the table. But Jimmy's eyes landed on Baxter, who had out her sewing machine. It was loud and irritating most nights. But right now he loved the contraption. “No one can hear us.”

“Anna is…” Thomas paused. “Honest. She’ll tell Carson or worse Bates.”

“She promised to talk with me first.”

“Jimmy…”

“My way,” Jimmy said feeling irritated. “No playing my knight.”

Thomas cheeked flushed red and he ducked his head. Jimmy grinned, having the power to do that was heady and he liked it. He liked it a lot. 

“I’m no knight.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Jimmy said. “It’s soppy and stupidly soft, cut a back a bit, which means no going to Carson.” 

Thomas looked up and Jimmy was pinned by eyes filled with fear. He reached out without thought and did put his hand over Thomas. The lighter stopped spinning underneath their palms. Thomas' eyes widened and Jimmy winked at him. “I got it covered,” he said and pulled back with the lighter in his palm. Fished out a cigarette and lit it. 

Thomas' cheeks were still red when Jimmy glanced back at him. He smiled, trying to keep it easy and light. Wanting to keep Thomas calm, but he knew it wasn’t working. He sighed and looked toward the entrances to the room again. Where was she? He felt himself start to fidget with the lighter and looked at Thomas. 

“See…” Thomas started but stopped short, glancing to the left. Jimmy followed Thomas’ line of sight and saw Anna walking in, holding some sewing. Jimmy jumped to his feet, far too fast, and jostled the whole table. Miss Baxter shot him a glare as the movement made her machine hiccup. 

“Sorry,” he said to the whole table. “Um, Anna could we talk?” 

Anna paused having started to sit down next to Mr. Bates, who was reading the paper. “Of course, James,” she said cordially but in using his Carson approved name created a distance. 

“It’s a bit private,” Jimmy said and started out of the room. 

She started to follow him.

“Hope you aren’t trying to steal her away from me,” Mr. Bates cracked. 

Jimmy rolled his eyes. 

“Oh, you should fear it, Mr. Bates, James is quite charming,” Anna said with a smirk but her eyes shone with obvious affection toward her husband.

Jimmy hoped the easy teasing meant something good. That she was going to be willing to listen. He glanced back at Thomas but saw him looking between Anna and Bates his expression hard. Jimmy glanced at them and realized what it was — the openness, the open flirting, the love. 

“Anna,” he said again and started walking down the hall. She followed him and he took her outside. He took them right to the place where she stumbled on them kissing. It'd been monumentally stupid, guilt rushed at him because it was his fault. Too caught up in making Thomas believe he wasn’t going to pull away from him that he forgot to realize the dangers. He frowned, it wasn’t that he forgot — it was he hadn’t put it all together. He hadn’t thought past the lust and the need for Thomas’ friendship. Thomas pushing him away wasn’t just fear of Jimmy’s intentions or his lack of trust. It was about why he didn’t trust in the first place and why he always questioned people’s intentions. 

He lived in constant fear. And twice now Jimmy put him on a tightrope where any second he could fall into ruin. He looked at Anna and she couldn’t look him in the eye. He caught a sigh in his throat before it left, he didn’t want to show her uncertainty or fear. What he had to be was charming and he could do that in his sleep. What he was lacking was a way to start this conversation because it was hitting him just how inappropriate it was to be having it in the first place. Especially with a woman. 

“Did Thomas…” Anna started. “Pressure you.”

“No.”

She looked at him then for a split second, her eyes searching. But then she looked down again. “Are you…”

“Certain? Yes. Never have been more certain about anything in my life.”

“Jimmy,” she looked up in shock. “What you were… doing.”

“I apologize you saw us. It weren’t right — but not for the reasons you think. Just weren’t right for us to be doing that publicly, for you to see. But…” 

She looked up again. 

“I’m the one who started it.” 

Anna whole face showed him she still didn’t believe him. 

“He’s not a monster." 

"I don’t… quite know what happened." Anna shook her head. "It was none of my business and well, no one talks about such things as this. But he did cross a line with you, before, didn’t he?”

“That was forever ago, I barely knew him and we certainly weren’t best mates.” 

Anna’s look faded from shock to something else. “How did you go from hating him to being his friend, Jimmy?”

“What do you mean?”

“You hated him.” 

“No, I didn’t,” Jimmy revealed. “Not really. Just was uncomfortable with some things but none of that exists now.” 

“Thomas is a very good manipulator.”

Jimmy rolled his eyes. “And?” 

“And? If he’s been manipulating you….”

“He’s not.”

“Jimmy he’s very…”

“Sly, slick, snarky?”

Anna nodded.

“You don’t know him, not like I do.”

“And that is?”

“He went right to Carson you know, right after you saw us…” his face flamed red as the memory of what she saw replayed in his mind. “If I hadn’t stopped him he would have told some version of the truth that kept me hired and get him fired.” 

“He would do that?”

“Yes…I get it, okay. None of you see his selfless side and I doubt you ever will. No one sees his good points because you don’t care to look and he makes sure you don’t. He’s protecting himself. But he can be… very selfless and very brave.”

“Jimmy…”

“He got beaten for me.”

“What?”

“Thirsk, the fair, when you were in Scotland. He wasn’t mugged, not exactly. I was… they were going to beat me and take the money I won at the rope pull. I was meant to be beaten up but he ran right in. He ran in and he took the beating.” 

Anna stared at him for a long time. 

“Do you believe me? Cause it’s true,” Jimmy said when the silence got to be too much. 

“I… do. I’m still not sure.”

“He’ll be fired or worse.” 

Anna slowly nodded. 

“Anna? You know he isn’t all bad, I know you do. You were always standing up for him when Lady Sybil died. Lady Sybil, she liked him didn’t she?”

A sad smile formed on Anna’s face. “Sybil liked everyone, Jimmy.”

“But she liked Thomas… specifically.”

“Well…” Anna sighed. “She said she watched him try to save a man’s life once… apparently, he failed. They both failed, she said that. I don’t know more details.” 

“You believe he cared about her. I know you do.”

“Well, yes, but Lady Sybil…”

“Was different? What? Thomas is different, and it’s not a wrong thing.”

“And you, Jimmy. Are you different?” 

“Yes.”

Anna looked taken aback. 

“Please don’t say anything? We won’t do… anything where it will be seen again. I swear it, but don’t… Don’t take me away from him. It might… I’ll hurt him.”

“I have no wish to see him hurt,” Anna looked at him and then suddenly looked way. “If, IF, I ever see anything else, I will have to say something.”

“You won’t.”

“All right, then… but be careful, Jimmy. Thomas isn’t trustworthy.”

“I’m not the one you should worry about,” Jimmy whispered. “And, to be clear, you won’t tell Mr. Bates?”

“No one. I’ll tell no one.” 

“Thank you, Anna,” he said and though the sentiment didn’t feel strong enough. A weighted lifted right off of him and he needed to tell Thomas. “Thank you,” he shouted as he opened the door to go back inside.


	11. Chapter 11

Jimmy skidded to an abrupt stop on seeing the servant’s hall empty. He stared at the chair where Thomas been sitting and felt irritation that wasn’t there waiting for him. Fear shot through him that Thomas might do something stupid. Why couldn’t he just trust him? _You know why,_ he thought and he spun around and was relieved to find Carson’s door open and Carson himself at his desk doing paperwork. Carson looked up at him and raised an eyebrow.

“Anything I can do for you, James.” 

“Seen Mr. Barrow?” 

“No, I have not. I trust that clock was fixed?”

Jimmy blinked at him before remembering the lie. “I believe so, sir.” 

Carson nodded and went back to his paperwork. Jimmy looked around the hallway walked back into the servant’s hall. Miss Baxter was back at the table with a cup of tea. “Seen, Mr. Barrow?”

“I think he went outside.”

“What?” Jimmy felt perplexed. Surely he would have passed him. He walked down the hallway and out the door again. He stepped closer, seeing Thomas’ back but then he heard Anna talking.

“I once told Mr. Bates I am no lady, and I’m not, however as uncomfortable this subject is for me... I believe Jimmy when he says you’ve done nothing to manipulate him.” 

“Perhaps you shouldn’t believe that,” Thomas said.

“Thomas, I promised him and I keep my promises. I won’t be giving you trouble.”

“Not me I’m worried about,” Thomas snapped.

“You really do care for him don’t you?” Anna sounded surprised. 

“I do….yeah.” Thomas' voice was soft like it was when they were alone and not the pointed weapon it always was with everyone else. 

“Well, I think he cares about you as well…”

“Not truly...you will stay silent?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” Thomas asked. 

“Did you really get beaten for him?” Anna asked. 

“He told you…” Thomas sounded embarrassed. 

“So, it’s true?”

“Used to taking fists, better him than me,” Thomas snapped it and from behind him Jimmy saw him instantly duck his head and take a step away from Anna. It was true, he realized because Thomas regretted letting it slip. He was used to fists? Jimmy felt a surge of anger and his own hands folded into fists. 

“Oh, Thomas…”

“Forget it,” Thomas shook his head. 

“I’m keeping quiet because it’s obvious the two of you care about the other… I understand now how he forgave you.”

Thomas murmured something Jimmy couldn't hear and Anna shook her head slightly at him. Thomas ducked his down again and started to pull his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. 

“Secret’s safe,” Anna said. “I better go in, Mr. Bates will be wondering where I am.” She walked past Thomas and smiled at Jimmy when she saw him and made a motion of locking her lips with her fingers. He smiled at her and then looked at Thomas.

He was holding the pack of cigarettes and staring at him. But it was different than usual, it was softer and fonder but all of that was underneath surprise and shock. Jimmy walked up to him but found he wasn’t sure how to start the conversation. 

“Jimmy,” Thomas breathed it out in that way he had that made Jimmy feel like he was more than he was. Thomas made him sound special and he was fairly sure he wasn’t because there was nothing extraordinary about him. It wasn’t something he thought often, he rather the world think he was special — so he acted like it. But deep down he knew he was just a man, going through the expected journey’s of life. Well, until now because Thomas Barrow was the exact opposite of expected. And he was Jimmy’s life and it hit him then, hard as hell and he felt dazed. 

“Jimmy?” Thomas repeated and he was standing closer, so close, Jimmy could smell him and he looked up at him and grinned. 

Thomas shook his head at the grin but his lips quirked upward. 

“You just had to talk to her yourself, didn’t you?” Jimmy accused but he wasn’t angry. 

“Yes,” Thomas said. 

“Were you lurking about waiting for me go back inside?”

“You ran right past me.”

“Did you eavesdrop?”

“No, didn’t dare get too close. You told her about the fair?” 

“Best weapon in my arsenal that you aren’t as bad as a bloke as they make you out to be.” 

“I am,” Thomas argued. 

“Only because you act the part.” 

“Is it?” Thomas asked.

“What?”

“An act? How things are, it feels true enough.” 

“Thomas you love me,” Jimmy whispered it. 

Thomas blushed but he didn’t look away instead he nodded. 

“The way you… the way you do that proves you aren’t the monster you play at being.” 

“Suppose I’ll take your word for it,” Thomas said but he was shaking his head. 

“As in you’ll trust me?” Jimmy asked. 

“Don’t know if I can go that far… Yet.” 

Jimmy grinned and he reached out and grabbed Thomas wrist. “Let’s go upstairs.”

“Bit early yet…”

“I can’t do what I want to do to you down here.” 

“I see…. What would that be, Jimmy?” 

Jimmy smiled at the playful expression on Thomas' face. He leaned up on his toes, bringing himself closer to Thomas. “I want my tongue in your mouth.” 

Thomas cheeks went bright pink making Jimmy feel smug. He nodded his head and bumped his shoulder into Jimmy’s as he headed for the door. Jimmy followed him and few paces behind, thinking maybe they should keep some distance as they returned inside. As Thomas reached the door it opened to reveal Anna and Bates. Jimmy gave Anna knowing and he hoped thankful smile. She nodded her subtly. 

“Goodnight, Jimmy, Mr. Barrow,” she called out nicely. 

“Goodnight, Anna,” Thomas called over his shoulder. 

Jimmy was able to see the odd expression that flew across Bates’ face at Thomas returning the salutation and he had to hide back a giggle at it. He’d never know why, Bates would never understand. Anna wouldn't tell him and that meant they were safe. Thomas believed in her too and Jimmy wasn’t going to be surprised if Thomas’ whole attitude changed when it came to Anna Bates. It would prove to her that he was good — Jimmy liked that because he was feeling it more and more, the world should see the Thomas Barrow he knows.

~~~

Their hands were all over each other the second the lock on Thomas’ door closed shut. Unfastening, shoving and pulling off the layers of their work day off of each other and onto the floor. Shedding until all there was were only undershirts and underwear between them. Jimmy felt his body flush pink at but it was a lovely feeling. Freeing and it felt right, right to be this close to Thomas, knowing they’d seen even more of each other already. Touched each other in ways no one ever spoke about but was something everyone indulged in behind closed doors — well maybe not this, Jimmy thought staring at the man in front of him who was looking him up and down with a slack-jaw. Too bad he thought, thousands of people didn’t know what they were missing. He nearly missed it — he wasn’t sure how he gotten to this point but he was grateful as he looked at the man in front him. All pale skin and dark hair and strong and his. 

His. Damn he liked that. 

Thomas moved closer and an hand went to his face, fingers tracing down his jaw and Thomas eyes trailing the action and his eyes a soft gray. It was a new expression and Jimmy liked it, he liked it a lot. He wanted to read it but he wanted to touch Thomas more. He put his hands on his chest, one over his heart and it was pounding. It was faster than seemed possible and Jimmy knew it was because of him. He looked up and that soft gaze was right there and Thomas smiled, something soft and real and Jimmy felt dazed again. 

“I wonder quite often if you’re real,” Thomas whispered. 

“I’m real,” Jimmy chuckled and let his hand palm down Thomas' chest and against his stomach. Eyes following its path before looking back into Thomas’ eyes. 

“Seems unlikely… more so now. How are you here?”

“Don’t know but I belong here,” Jimmy said. 

“With me?” Thomas’ shock was loud. 

“Yes,” Jimmy said loudly and Thomas' hand covered his mouth. 

“Be quiet, we’ve risked enough today,” he hissed. 

Jimmy started chuckling.

“What?”

“You’re telling me to be quiet after last night?”

Thomas’ pink blush turned red in an instant and he looked down, his head crashing against Jimmy’s shoulder, his hands going up and down Jimmy’s back. “It’s been awhile since…. And it was you which made it almost too much.” 

Jimmy put his hand Thomas head, threading fingers through his hair. He wrapped his arm around him pulled him in closer. “Better get used to that, I think.” 

Thomas lifted up his head and pinned him a stormy stare. “You have no idea, none, what you do to me…” his last words nearly silent as his lips brushed against Jimmy’s mouth. 

It was soft and slow. Jimmy never been kissed the way Thomas kissed him. Thomas kissed like it was a vital as breathing. He held his face or a hand at the base of his neck pushing him into Thomas. He was all lips and a bit of tongue, he was teasing Jimmy and he was testing his patience. Jimmy dug his hands into Thomas’ hips, his hands felt hot against Thomas’ cooler skin, he pulled him into him. He could feel Thomas hard for him and his own erection, so close but with fabric between them. He tried to speed up the kiss but Thomas wouldn’t let him, he’d pull back and nip at Jimmy’s lips, he chuckled his lips against Jimmy’s throat and whisper at him to be patient. 

“Then stop teasing me,” Jimmy whined. 

“Never,” Thomas promised as he soft pressed his lips against Jimmy’s again. Jimmy felt himself melt into and found he could live with this if it was his forever. The thought made him gasp into Thomas mouth, deepening the kiss but this time he didn’t try to speed up and Thomas acquiesced but not enough to give up control of the kiss. That was until Jimmy felt himself tipping backwards, Thomas arms around him stopping him from falling abruptly. It was a careful dipping down of his body onto Thomas bed, Thomas over him looming and strong. Looking at him with that soft expression that told Jimmy things he already knew. Thomas loved him. But this felt like it was growing, like Thomas was looking at him and currently falling for him even harder. And he wondered how he could inspire that? How could this man, this closed off man, with no reason to trust to anyone love him so much. 

“Why?” Jimmy whispered. 

“Why what, love?” Thomas whispered and kissed him, early chastely, seeming content to just hover over him and stare. 

“That, why do you love me?” 

“Because…” he shook his head and pressed another kiss against Jimmy’s mouth. 

Jimmy closed his eyes and felt Thomas mouth against his jaw, his throat, his mouth and he grabbed onto his hair and tried to deepen and speed up the kisses again. 

“Stop trying to rush…” Thomas scolded. 

“Driving me crazy.”

“Says the man who drives me mad.” 

“You didn’t answer me…” 

Thomas sighed and kissed him on the cheek. “I don’t know.” 

“You don’t know?” Jimmy stared at him. 

“It’s… I saw you, I saw you and felt blinded by you. That’s never happened to me before, never felt physically blown over by a man. Only you.” 

“Oh…” Jimmy grinned and felt smug. He knew people reacted to his looks but hearing that from Thomas made it feel like it was so much more than his pretty face. 

“Then I saw your ambition,” Thomas kissed his jaw. “And you’re clever and willing to bend the rules. And you’ll challenge the status quo.” 

“Oh…” Jimmy swallowed hard and felt overwhelmed. 

Thomas smiled him all soft and probably too soppy but Jimmy lifted up his hand, cupped his face and kissed him. Thomas let him deepen it, but pulled back when Jimmy started trying to speed things up. He groaned as Thomas pulled away with a laugh. He put his head against Jimmy’s forehead. 

“I think…it might be possible for me to trust you,” Thomas whispered and Jimmy smiled feeling all dazed again. 

“I won’t let you down,” he whispered. 

“I think I know that…” Thomas whispered. 

“Thomas,” Jimmy stared at him. 

“Yes,” Thomas' hand was trailing down his jaw again.

“I might be falling in love with you.” 

“What?” 

Jimmy nodded because his voice was gone, his heart was hammering at the realization, it fully hitting him as he spoke it. He nodded again and lifted himself up and press a kiss to Thomas’ jaw. “I mean it,” he managed to whisper against his skin. 

“You…” Thomas’ stare was intense and Jimmy could see him considering the words and studying his face. He prayed his expression was showing everything he spoke as truth. He pushed his fingers into Thomas' hair and pulled him down for a kiss. 

“I mean it, Thomas,” he breathed out again.

Thomas shook his head but he smiling, truly, up and into his eyes. “I believe you.”


End file.
